Tag Archives: LUCIDITY

Revisiting the Needs and Priorities List to practice positive self talk and hand coding – Striking Out

This a personal note to myself that I am progressing. You are welcome to read and comment. I edited and updated the original list which can be found here.

  1. I was commissioned back in January to paint four paintings (by a person who wishes to remain anonymous) or as one large painting that depicts the four seasons in my own style of painting. There was no time period set as a completion date for delivery. I will set one now. Friday, April 20/2007. I have set up an almost functional artists studio. Yay. I am currently on the look-out for a drafting table chair or another chair suitable for the existing drafting table already in the studio.
  2. I am now completing the design and logo for Scott Wallick and his wife Binita. I have begun the project and have already sent the initial proofs and they have since come back to me for alterations. Things got out of hand this week Scott. I am making the necessary changes in my life to complete this project. Date for completion – April 08/2007.I moved all my office furniture and computer related geekery into the second bedroom . I bought myself a pot of daisies; violet, yellow and white. They sit on the computer desk beside Missy in her basket.
  3. I need toothpaste.Found: a tiny travel size toothpaste in the bathroom. Will need toothpaste soon. 😀
  4. Rodrigo Pradel’s MailArt arrived in the post today. Made my day dude! I have yet to open the package and peer inside. I am excited about this. I hope my packaged MailArt arrives to you soon. I sent it regular mail as I could not afford express mail.
  5. I have since opened his and he has opened mine. And the tale of two cameras & lone scanner. Go stretch your neck a bit.

  6. Discontinue use of Pepsi tomorrow. I began drinking an awful lot of it during the past week and especially last night. I am drinking Pepsi and I like it.
  7. Return all bottles/cans for money tomorrow. Buy toothpaste and cigarettes with money. I’ll be walking a few bags to the redemption center every other day to get out and exercise and earn some money at the same time; albeit a few bucks per trip. Returned.
  8. I have enough food. My hydro and internet bills are current.
  9. I will need to cover another $500 in rent if my ex-roommate stops payment on her check for this month. I have 3 months to cover that. I DO Have to cover the other half rental related expenses. she did not pay I have until the end of the 2 months to cover that.
  10. I will be signing a new lease with my landlord in my own name. No roommate, no ex-boyfriend. And the hard feelings I have for them are fading. I am as much a part of this mess as they were.
  11. Breathing. Breath deeply in and out for 10 breaths.
  12. I got myself into this mess and I will get myself out of this mess. Messes can be organized. I will am doing my best.
  13. Try not to Think about the past. If it comes into mind, accept this and, it will pass. The future is not now; therefore the present is. peaceful of mind.
  14. Do NOT go into more debt. I have not gone into more debt since my ex-boyfriend left. It has been hard but I am doing it. Continue working. Working is good. Working pays off debt.
  15. I can not begin selling my artwork online through Etsy because I cannot and choose not to use my Visa. I have four two more payments to make and Visa will be happy. I had already negotiated with them back in January to make 6 equal payments and not use the card while making them. I have made two payments thus far. I am proud of myself for doing that and am sticking to it. These negotiations have kept me out of collection. I had excellent credit through my twenties and early thirties. I hope to have that back again as I enter my mid-thirties.
  16. Go see my doctor and speak with her about a prescription. I went and purchased Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride (Benedryl) to combat an extreme anxiety attack where I broke out in hives and something leaked in my right ear. Talk to the doctor about this. Show her the pages I wrote out after the attack. Ask about getting my hearing and vision checked.
  17. Anxiety can fuck ya up fer real. Trust it will pass. Reality will seep in eventually. Physical symptoms will ease. I still find it incredible that, an anxiety attack can last weeks and produce physical symptoms. It’s akin to having a flu particularly affecting thought and emotion coordination. I haven’t experienced hives come on that fast since late 2003. I had forgot what to do and now remember again hence the purchase of antihistamine. What I don’t quite understand is why I freak out.

  18. Pray to whatever is out there.Meditate.
  19. If you are interested in sponsoring this Blog? please get in touch with me. You can Contact me. easily now. I created a contact page And thanks to an article on Lorelle’s Blog that pointed me to a great contact plugin by Mike Cherim. Note to self – Donate to the plugin creator via paypal today. Done. Thank you, Lorelle and Mike.
  20. Contact AstroNutrition for any immediate design work they need done, today.I am currently freelancing for AstroNutrition and the work will be finished this evening.
  21. I contacted Gallery Gachet located here in the city of Vancouver two evenings ago. They specifically work with mentally retarded people. Strike that. 😉 They work with Artists who are facing mental health issues and who use their feelings to create their art with. They have many links to organizations who work with artist’s to overcome personal fears and in so doing, help them make a living through their art. I hope they respond to my inquiry. Gallery Gachet responded to my inquiry by mailing me a brochure through the post. I am also attending an orientation session on May 7th. I am hoping to write a proposal to them, for an exhibit idea. The deadline for this is in July for possible 2008 exhibits.
  22. Respect all those around me, including myself. Remain Be calm and to focus. on on the above numbered tasks.

About learning to take things seriously when needed and hapazardly when things are not that important

Switching on intelligence is at most difficult when one is faced with making life’s decisions. Being ruled by the heart can be whimsical at times yet underrated as a form of intelligence most of the time. Written in anger, not really. We need to believe there is something larger than ourselves to exist. You are not the only human being living on earth and neither am I. What is the price tag for human life? What is it that causes us to measure a person’s wealth by currency alone?

We all know this isn’t true. On a deeper emotional level, it hurts knowing that the almighty dollar, is just a dollar; a piece of paper or metal and now digital numerics for what? Numbers are universal. No, arithmetic is universal and perhaps one other thing.

*Art.

So the good art. The bad art. Good art and bad art. Good Grover, bad Grover, near. far.

Returning back to the discussion at hand, I must say that veering off into an intelligence, present and rarely used to it’s capacity, is, fun. I was in search of answers this last week. I unplugged myself for nearly three days. I hung out with my closest friends.

Good friends have a way of leveling things out for you. With you? The conversation is grand, common and mutually honest. We share hugs and kisses. We cry, we listen. We understand. We eat.

Hap-hazardously living lately describes well the months of January, February and March of this Blog. Not really knowing or being just moving along, absorbing outward stimuli. I found I had to stop everything and decide. I needed space to think, to ponder and eventually recognize and choose whether to **stay or go. I have been overextending myself, hands in a little but not really in all the way with people, places, countries, genres, beliefs.

Fear alone does guide us occasionally. Eventually this fear materializes and you recognize what it is and accept it. It really is all one needs do.

A couple of friends have written these sentiments in my journal(s) upon asking them to draw, or them asking me to draw, in it. Collectively, they wrote and drew of eyes and masses. There are so many of us. Is that significant? Only if you believe it to be.

Trivialities are not life. Life is serious business.

Swallow the shit but never forget to poop it out of ya.
What goes in, must come out.

**The choice was to stay in Vancouver or go Back East to Saint John. Ha ha I got you. I will always blog as long as I am capable. To blog or not to blog was never the question.

I ate some muesli last night with chocolate milk

I hadn’t tried that combination before. I ate three meals yesterday.

When the day began I woke at 11:00AM, threw some clothes on and bussed it over to the Mount Pleasant area of Vancouver to meet with a client. The night before my roommate finished moving her things out by 11:00PM. I am sad she had to go. Our lifestyles are very different and over time, we found they did not compliment one and other. And the damage deposit was not paid. I am grateful to have the manager I do here in the apartment complex I live in. He has been kind to me since Eric moved out in December. I miss Eric. Those difficult emotions are presently fresh in my mind but softer and manageable now. He did what he had to do. I can imagine him in Thailand and smile.

A few unexpected financial things occurred yesterday. My *GST check was automatically deposited into my bank account. I spoke to the man who purchased my painting and asked if he could make another small payment on the painting. He said yes and did. Text Link Ads paid me for the sponsor links they place on the top left of my sidebar. I talked to one of my clients about paying me in advance for any work he needs done in the near future. He agreed. Thank you. I have been working with him for two years now and we have a stable trusting work relationship. Google owes me just over a hundred bucks and I expect that in my account later this month. I have not returned my bottles yet. I didn’t have the strength yesterday.

I did however go and purchase groceries at the local market. I had food in my fridge and cupboards but was missing fresh vegetables and fruit, cheese, tofu, fish, chick peas, muesli and my favorite; pumpkin seeds.

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The good things – Immediate needs and financial priorities list

  1. I was commissioned back in January to paint four paintings (by a person who wishes to remain anonymous) or as one large painting that depicts the four seasons in my own style of painting. There was no time period set as a completion date for delivery. I will set one now. Friday, April 20/2007.
  2. I was commissioned to complete a design and logo for Scott Wallick and his wife Binita. I have begun the project and have already sent the initial proofs and they have since come back to me for alterations. Things got out of hand this week Scott. I am making the necessary changes in my life to complete this project. Date for completion – April 08/2007.
  3. I need toothpaste.
  4. Rodrigo Pradel’s MailArt arrived in the post today. Made my day dude! I have yet to open the package and peer inside. I am excited about this. I hope my packaged MailArt arrives to you soon. I sent it regular mail as I could not afford express mail.
  5. Discontinue use of Pepsi tomorrow. I began drinking an awful lot of it during the past week and especially last night.
  6. Return all bottles/cans for money tomorrow. Buy toothpaste and cigarettes with money.
  7. I have enough food. My hydro and internet are paid up to date.
  8. I will need to cover another $500 in rent if my ex-roommate stops payment on her check for this month. I DO need to cover the other half of the damage deposit she did not pay. I have until the end of the month to cover that.
  9. I will be signing a new lease with my landlord in my own name. No roommate, no ex-boyfriend. And the hard feelings I have for them are fading. I am as much a part of this mess as they were.
  10. Breathing. Breath deeply in and out for 10 breaths.
  11. I got myself into this mess and I will get myself out of this mess. Messes can be organized. I will do my best.
  12. Try not to think about the past. If it comes into mind accept it and it will pass. The future is not now. The present is peace of mind.
  13. Do NOT go into more debt. I have not gone into more debt since my ex-boyfriend left. It has been hard but I am doing it. Continue working. Working is good. Working pays off debt.
  14. I can not begin selling my artwork online through Etsy because I cannot and choose not to use my Visa. I have four more payments to make and Visa will be happy. I had already negotiated with them back in January to make 6 equal payments and not use the card while making them. I have made two payments thus far. I am proud of myself for doing that and am sticking to it. These negotiations have kept me out of collection. I had excellent credit through my twenties and early thirties. I hope to have that back again as I enter my mid-thirties.
  15. Go see my doctor and speak with her about a prescription. I went and purchased Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride (Benedryl) to combat an extreme anxiety attack where I broke out in hives and something leaked in my right ear. Talk to the doctor about this. Show her the pages I wrote out after the attack. Ask about getting my hearing and vision checked.
  16. Pray to whatever is out there.
  17. If you are interested in sponsoring this Blog please get in touch with me. You can contact me easily now. I created a contact page thanks to an article on Lorelle’s Blog that pointed me to a great contact plugin by Mike Cherim. Note to self – Donate to the plugin creator via paypal today. Done.
  18. Contact Astronutrition for any immediate design work they need done, today.
  19. I contacted Gallery Gachet located here in the city of Vancouver two evenings ago. They specifically work with mentally retarded people. Strike that. 😉 They work with Artists who are facing mental health issues and who use their feelings to create their art with. They have many links to organizations who work with artist’s to overcome personal fears and in so doing, help them make a living through their art. I hope they respond to my inquiry.
  20. Respect all those around me including myself. Remain calm and focus on on the above numbered tasks.

The design of an imagined life becoming real – I need to pinch myself daily

I began a design project earlier this month for Scott Wallick. His wife Binita is a court reporter and I am designing and illustrating a logo and business card for her. Thus far our contact has been via email only. We have never met in person nor have we spoke on the phone.

Initially I had contacted Scott, who is the designer of the Barthelme Theme, in use on this blog. I was looking to barter artwork for coding work. We emailed back and forth a few times and he asked if I would be interested to do some design work. I said yes. And thus this leads me to today.

jessica_doyle_untitledSM.jpgWhether by stroke of luck or genius I am working this month in my chosen trade(s). I have had to pinch myself and sit quietly inhaling and exhaling preventing onsets of many an anxiety attack. What does this have to do with Scott? Well, simply put working in the design industry has in the past lead me to using drugs to get my work done on time. I am not using drugs this time. My brain is thoroughly being challenged right now to keep moving forward without regret of what happened in the past.

Much of the work I do in my life is not payed work. That is tricky. One needs money to survive. My non-paying gigs are as important to me as my paying gigs. This also causes internal stress of meeting deadlines and of meeting my rent due date for my apartment rental.

March has been a month of ideas, compromises, admitting I was wrong and above all else trusting that I am OK as human being and deserve good things in my life. It is easy, very easy, for me to retreat to my bubble when good things happen i.e. a new design client, MailArt, Astronutrition, pillow fight, dogs, cats, friends, new friends and old friends. I surround myself with that bubble for protection. The thing I haven’t grasped yet, is why I need to go in there when the good things happen and why when the bad things happen I want them worse. And why my emotions are so intense that I am not able to see beyond anything else but the emotion being experienced, itself. I cannot move from one project to next quickly until I am finished with the first.

Last night I cared for two sick people. It drained me not in a bad way but in the way that I don’t prioritize jobs over people. I prepared and then cooked a tomato chicken stew. Rene, a friend in my building came for supper last night as every Tuesday she does. She brings food from the food bank she cannot cook herself and I throw in some food I have and I cook a meal for us and pack enough for her so she can eat the next day also. She has serious ongoing mental health issues and is in the care of the government. Another friend is also ill at the moment. Very ill actually with the flu. He had been throwing up, has a fever and has been sick now for over a week. I brought him some meds the other night and last night packed up a fresh jar of stew to bring down to him. Boy, he is ill and you know what he was able to keep the homemade stew down without throwing it up. That made me so happy.

Yesterday, I mailed off MailArt five days late. I am running behind with Scott’s design. I am also working on making amends with people for things that I did or did not do over the past years…? I thought I would be healed by now from addiction. I am realizing that that is not so.

Today, my life feels very precious to me. Yesterday, three people told me I was very kind and am the first person to care about them in a long long time. There was a man I met on the street while walking to the post office. We had smiled and said hi and then had kept walking in opposite directions. We both turned around to check each other out at the same time and had a great laugh and then continued on our separate paths. Walking out of the post office I saw the dude looking in every store down the street. I yelled “dude!”. He turned and was walking, holding a piece of paper and handed it to me. He said I have missed too many opportunities to not have come back to find you. We hugged and it was nice. We’ll be going for coffee some day soon.

Late last night I sat staring at the computer and didn’t know where to start. I began to panic. I turned in for bed. I cried myself to sleep. First time a long time. Not because I was sad but because I know I am on the right path. I also got wind that my ex-boyfriend is alive and well in Thailand, from my friend Tomoko, Ian and Kai. And I love him and miss him so much.

What really broke me down today and caused the writing of this post, is someone called and bought one of my paintings. I sold a painting. There was no haggling, he offered to pay the full price I wanted for it. I am so grateful to be alive right now. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to know that how I am choosing to live my life is ok and that is pays to be kind, honest and transparent.

I don’t want to jinx myself by talking about good things. This scares me to talk about the good things. But without them I wouldn’t exist so I will continue living this way. This Blog and all of you really do keep me alive, healthy and doing what I love to do best, create with emotion.

*image credit – This is the painting that I sold today. Price sold for is $1250 Canadian over four months. Then he gets the painting.

Divergent illuminating things you should read and watch.

Womyn by Dale Mugford on Matthew Good This poignant article Dale wrote is a must read for both men and women. In it he writes of having a heated conversation about womyn with a cab driver, while on his way to his physical therapy appointment. Later he points you to statistics from Canada and the World on womyn who have or are in abusive relationships of some kind.

Howard Bloom Video; also, John Mackey’s New Paradigm for Business by Jecklin on Got a shot of inner fuel.

Banned Boobies by Cass King on Womyns’Ware

Word travels fast on the internet as it is timeless. Image and word are just that; a way to express yourself by communicating your thoughts, perceptions, ideas and foremost; your own personal experience while living on this planet.

When I write online I forget that I sit alone in front of a computer screen, tapping keys interacting with a digital organism; a non-human that will in turn, become part of your life experience. Isn’t it grand to have the power to choose, to click away or purposely ad your views. Through doing this, we all empower ourselves with knowledge.

All you are reading are words formed using pixels; a choice of personal reflection upon a time that happened once upon a time.

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