Tag Archives: nightmare

I wish this paper held more meaning or why income tax should be abolished

self employed canadian income tax preparation

Last night I began the task of sorting all my papers from 2010 into piles.

There are shipping cost piles, art supply piles, utility bill piles, packaging supply piles, energy pile, gas pile, two insurance piles, an oil pile, cleaning supply pile, mortgage pile, car cost pile, an office supply pile, printing supply pile, sale piles, room rental receipts, local sales piles, an advertising pile, a personal pile and these piles don’t include the copious amounts of online presence, fees, hosting costs, contracts or sales on the web piles.

Needless to say, I’m overwhelmed with the paperwork from operating two businesses and at a point where I feel like writing to the Government of Canada OMG wait… it’s now the damn Harper Government and demanding that poor people shouldn’t have to provide proof of income in fact no one living in Canada should have to provide proof of income. If they want to know how much money someone earned then they can come and do all the paperwork for me as I can barely afford to buy food right now let alone take time away from working to prepare my tax return.

Have you ever seen that New Brunswick social services commercial where the lady has to choose between eating a can of food or paying her rent? I’m in that situation and it has nothing to do with overspending, not budgeting enough for this or that, not working hard enough or making bad decisions with my money. It has everything to do with getting sick at an inopportune time, renting to an idiot last fall and not qualifying for health insurance, one bad art sale where I earned one third of what I earned the year’s previous sale, being single with no children in Canada combined with dramatic increases in the cost of food, home insurance and high rises in the general cost of living over the last two years.

And therein lies the crux of the matter. I earn barely enough to survive. And right now, I’ve gone through all my pennies. I need to laugh. Haha! It’s not all doom and gloom.

People who are employed and receive a T4 from an employer and who complain about taxes have it easy at income tax time. I’m not saying paying taxes are easy… all I’m saying is that you do not have the tremendous amount of paper work that someone who is self employed has. Please don’t ever complain about having to prepare your simple income tax forms. I know the difference as I used to work for somebody else too.

Self employed people in Canada have it the roughest. Self employed poor people have it even rougher. I have the same amount of income tax paperwork to do as someone who runs a large company.

And I’m not angry at anyone. I made these life and career choices. Really, I’m trying to find the positive in this. I’m trying to find the courage to overcome this. I even thought about getting a job, any job, and seriously looked for one in January and February but it’s not enough money to even make a difference so I worked very hard and got one room rented to a nice man and have another room rented for next month to someone who lived here last year. and each of those men will be here through to the Fall of the year. Those two room rentals pay me what I’d earn working at a part-time job. And room rental is a part-time job. I can’t count how many people say I’m lucky having the rental income… where is the luck in this? I work at it and clean those rooms and give up my privacy in exchange for money.

On the other hand, I get to have wonderful people to share my home with which is socialization that I so desperately need. It keeps me happy and keeps me going and in a weekly cleaning routine. I’m generally happier with people living in my home. And that in turn allows me to think more clearly and do the (tax) things that under Canadian law I must do.

I also know the bad times don’t last forever and that there is always a silver lining or upside to the downside. I have never asked for nor applied for a government handout, I’ve never applied to help pay for my health-care costs or housing. Maybe I’m too proud or maybe I’m just stubborn. I miss having the safety net of Employment Insurance and even though they’ve opened up to allow self employed people into the EI program… it won’t work for me as the income I earn from room rental will cancel out any benefit that I’d receive when underemployed, sick or pregnant. My life is a catch 22.

I do beleive things are changing though as my health improves ever so slowly. I hadn’t realized how bad I actually was until five or six weeks into taking Synthoid did my body and mind go “This is what I’m supposed to feel like and how did I even manage before?”.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to get the latest round of blood test results. Sadly, I’m feeling as low as I did in early January, meaning I’ve likely plateaued on the Synthroid and need the dose increased.

Anyhow, this is what I’ve been up against over the last five months. And everyday I’m grateful for family and friends both on and offline who provide the positive energy I need to keep going and finally rise above and overcome this mess. Thank you, all, for that.

And keep in mind that income tax was only created as a temporary measure to pay for the wars and now that war continues against the disappearing middle classes and poorer classes in Canada.

And it makes me laugh because even Missy the cat is shaking her head in disgust sitting on the paperwork. 😉

Which road to walk down?

I find myself at a crossroads at the moment and unsure of what road to travel down.

Do I pack up, sell the house and move into a smaller home or into an apartment? I did the cost crunching and it would basically cost about the same as where I’m living right now. So, I am staying put. One decision made.

Do I continue to find people to rent rooms to? This is the nagging question that’s been spiralling in my head as of late. I had many problems last Fall with the people I was renting to; missing tenants, unpaid rent and excessive use of scented products which in the case of the latter I’m severely allergic to.

The missing tenant was thankfully found after I was featured on the local news and is coming clean on the money he owes me while another tenant will likely be served legal papers and taken to court for the monies he owes to me. Oddly enough the third tenant who wears excessive cologne wants to move back in and when I received the email I spat out a mouthful of water onto my desk in shock. What did he not understand? Even the money he paid his rent with reeked of cologne and made my finger tips swell when handling it and I had to encase it in plastic before travelling to deposit it at the bank. This same person vehemently hated cats and hissed and shoed Missy repeatedly telling me to keep her out of his room. I said you’ll have to accept that she lives here and this is her home and that if you don’t want her in your room you’ll have to gently pick her up and place her outside of your room. Continue reading

Raw emotion – distilled into water?

There lives fear everywhere. It’s installed in us when we each are born. This installation learns. In it’s truest and earliest form, fear was an instinct. An instinct such as hunger, and the need for warmth when it was cold; fear kept you safe. Fear is no longer fear. It is Phobic.

I need to think on this longer. I’ll post more later today.

Green Stop Sign

I thought on this longer and became more phobic. Fuck. Now at 20 minutes to midnight I can say I feel calmer. Where did the phobia begin today? Yesterday. And Yesterday’s fear was carried over from the day before’s fear. So now that this fear has been cubed and diced where does that leave me? Laughing. Phobic fear is just that – phobia. It is irrational in most peoples eyes. However, when experiencing phobia one can become quite disabled.

I could not function today. I woke up this morning screaming out loud from a lucid nightmare. It’s not often that I’ve screamed myself awake. Today I did. And yesterday for that matter I had another disturbing dream. These dreams are so vivid and lucid. I’ve not yet manged to completely control them. The dreams I’ve been having since cleaning up 203 days ago have been all consuming at times involving people, places and experiences from my present and past. Inter tangled enlightenment’s of the soul perhaps? There are messages my subconscious is attempting to make conscious to me. This could be called the link between the soul and the body. The drawing to the left I drew after one such dream. I had been hit in the head by an usher at a wedding with a green stop sign in the dream, as I began to walk down the isle as a bridesmaid without bouquet in hand.

When the two (soul & mind) work as one, a person is in the ‘NOW’. There is no past, nor future, just the moment, he or she is experiencing. Having experienced these moments of complete clarity with and without drugs, I must say they are both beautiful and unexplainable in words. I have attempted to draw and paint them. However as soon as I would think – POOF – the moment is gone and I’m in the past or the future again.

The past is to depression what the future is to anxiety. The best way to know something is to experience it. Once your brain experiences it, whatever it may be; the brain will remember that experience with the emotions you felt during that experience. The brain doesn’t know the difference between past and future. When you get up in the morning say, and drink your coffee you probably associate waking up and being more alert with the coffee. Your mind is craving that feeling not the coffee. It’s a hard one to wrap your head around eh?

Now to take it a step further… When someone becomes addicted to a feeling what happens?

Their brain pretty much short circuits and rewires itself in such a way, that it needs the feeling or it will go into withdrawal. The extent of withdrawal would be dependent upon how much the brain needed the feeling to feel normal. Most addicts would say that they don’t get high anymore, that they are in fact just maintaining a normal so they don’t go into withdrawal. The ‘high’ has become normal. And when the normal cannot be achieved the brain along with the physical body begins to go down, down, down to what the average person would call normal. Are you still with me? So picture your worst, sickest, saddest and angriest day ever and multiply it by lets say 10. That is what real “normal” feels like to an addict when they withdraw from a substance.

After withdrawal all that the brain knows is raw emotion. Happiness times 10. Sadness times 10. Anger times 10. Fear times 10. Disgust times 10. You feel every emotion times 10. Your senses are heightened beyond what you ever thought possible. Light hurts your eyes. Traffic noise hurts. Advertisements sicken you. Colour stands out. A hair tickles your back and you jump! Bad memories cloud your mind like they happened today. They feel like they are happening right now.

But beautiful little things begin to happen gradually. I remember looking down at my paintbrush about 10 days into detox and just watching the water drip off the tip off the paintbrush into the rinse can. The sound fascinated me. Somehow my brain had blocked out all the other noise and distraction and all I heard and saw was the drip. I cried. I was happy. This was a moment with no past nor future.

I would recommend to anyone in search of understanding rent the movie What the Bleep? and also check outDr. Masaru Emoto’s website! The research he has done with water in how it affects every one of us in relation to our emotions is brilliant. We are, remember 90% water.

The days I watched these three movies will be forever with me. My brain I hope will remember the feelings generated by their visual, auditory gift. Drinking a glass of water has never been the same after seeing Dr. Masaru Emoto’s video.

You know, fear is the exact same as excitement. I’m terrified on a roller coaster where another person is excited beyond belief.