Tag Archives: reality

Finding passion without becoming addicted or why six years on it’s not any easier

2012 calendar desktop monsters handmade aliens pretty whimsical etsy

I wrote this blog post earlier this year in May but hadn’t published it. This seems to be a common occurrence as I write a lot but don’t publish them. And with 95 blog post drafts sitting anxiously I thought well, now is the time to edit and publish. Anyhow, I recently celebrated six years sobriety of off hard drugs on August 26th so while perusing the drafts I re-read this one and thought it appropriate to share with you.

For the last six years I’ve been searching for something that doesn’t exist. A something that perhaps exists in everyday life but doesn’t exist in the nether regions of one’s psyche. One can never return to the past nor can they return to the future.

While I may think of chemical drugs almost everyday I know that if I consume them it would spell the death of me as I’d fall so far down the rabbit hole that I would not return as the drug means more to me than life itself and more than everyone and everything else in this world. I knew this, and understood this, when cleaning up from addiction in 2005.

And I miss the freedom of living in a larger urban center and of being free to not wear a bra and being free to not look like the rest of the population surrounding me. While it seems tuff at times to live in a small town… yes, Saint John is a small town even though it is officially declared a city… it is still a small town by modern standards; and a very conservative small town at that. And to see fashions that were in style in Vancouver in 2007 rearing there head here right now is mind boggling as it’s nuts to think that it takes four to five years for fashions to make their way from West to East.

I was talking with my cousin a few days ago who is four years older than I. We are both relatively single and do not have children. We are also both self employed and creative although her creativity is a hobby while mine is my main source of income.

I can remember at age 12 or 13 visiting with her and her showing me the many drawings that she drew and being inspired by them. I don’t know if you know that Rochelle. But I’ll never forget the amazing ink drawings you rendered as a teenager and how you told me to keep drawing even when I didn’t feel like it while we stood in your bedroom. I’m fortunate to have had people in my life who inspired me creatively at a very early and tender age.

As I near middle age now, I wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be. While I don’t enjoy being single, I do long for savageness and wild abandon. I miss it to be honest. I feel repressed here in Saint John and while I have sex on very rare occasions, I do miss the damn connection that comes when you finally meet the right person. I’m sick and tired of dating. And this isn’t to say that I’m looking to lay just anybody. I’m not addicted to sex but I am human and I hunger for physical contact but MUCH more than that I want a life long commitment with someone.

I may never have children and that is not okay. So six years on it’s not any easier. And that is the truth people about addiction. It never goes away, but you can use it to your advantage and work with it, molding it into inspiration to continue living and striving for the life you want.

Handmade by me 2012 Desk and Wall Calendars are listed and ready to ship in the art shop now. Pictured above are the 12 months from the desk calendar.

Simpler Times

With the way the world is moving it seems finding permanent solutions to anything, is at most, a lost pipe dream. And with what the media would have you beleive is that the world is collapsing in crisis and that we need more and more protections from nameless entities to ensure our safety and survival as a species. We need to be protected from ourselves.

And this all leaves me wondering where I fit into this picture. I think I’m on the outside looking in most of the time. It’s like I don’t know how to get there or everything I touch collapses, falls apart, moves away, stops talking to me, closes or mirrors in vanity.

This year more than any other I find myself jumping and wading through knee deep sludge. And at times it is grossly of my own doing. They say you are the creator of your own world and they also say that you can do anything or have anything you want if you work hard enough and somehow have enough luck. Really?

Then they say do what you love and the money will follow. Don’t be to nice but don’t lie either. Be honest, but don’t be a pushover. Hang in there okay and say your prayers and cross your fingers, dot your “I”s and cross your “T”s and wish for everlasting peace. It’s all a load of crockery don’t you think.

While many of us in the Western world are not destitute or starving, we are being force fed an image of reality that will keep us enslaved until we die.

And like many, I long for simpler times, but maybe those fabled simpler times are just that, the poplar image of yesteryear that survived the test of time. For, how do we know if yesterday was easier than today and how do we know that tomorrow might just be more hopeful than today.

And this isn’t to say that it’s all been gross. It’s rather been kind of fun getting down and dirty in said sludge, searching for answers.

The photo above I snapped one day while walking through a field on my way to the bank on the East Side of Saint John. In the distance is Uptown Saint John.

Synchronicity

As human beings we search for connections, look for validation and adhere to the norm. Every now and then a new idea emerges from the masses taunting older symbols long since ingrained within the societal stigmata.

This idea softly floats about joining itself to others through the senses in both unconscious and conscious ways. Once spoken, programmed, written, drawn, painted, acted or cooked it is not but a dream no longer; it is reality.

And your reality is whatever you choose it to be.

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On silliness, smiles and the pursuit of happniess

Is it as hard as taking that first step into the unknown or is it as easy as risking everything for something substantial. These nights I find myself pondering questions, seeking answers and challenging myself all in the pursuit happiness.

Deco Bird

I don’t smile anymore when I’m not happy nor will I make small talk when in a fowl mood. Why? Because it’s fake. I believe in honesty. I’m not saying I’ll jump down your throat when you smile and say hello but I may not respond with the same enthusiasm you have per say.

A smile needs to be genuine. A smile needs to be trusted. A smile needs to show your character. When created in truth a smile is pure soul. Nothing less. Nothing more. It is integral that we as human beings become aware of realism.

Don’t you get tired of TV? Of all that shit the politicians smile saying will be better someday. Now I’m laughing. Silly politicians.

Reality is it’s freezing outside here tonight. Reality is exhaustion from working 10 to 12 hour days, seven days a week. Reality is a beloved family member is terribly sick. Reality is keeping in check what is real and throwing away what is not.

Image Title – Deco Bird, ink and marker on acid free paper

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