Tag Archives: sobriety

About 11 Days Ago I Celebrated

I celebrated quietly. It felt surreal. It felt awkward and good.

Eleven days ago on August 26th, 2007 I celebrated 24 months *sobriety.
I drew a picture; a representation of feelings felt in the midst of quietly laying alone, late that night in bed.

11 days ago I celebrated

Some people know this as I did tell them that day. A handful really, had not much to say.
“Be proud” they reply.

I sigh inwards
outwards
and rather deny… the right to be so.

Lightning didn’t strike and the World remains intact, save
for the few orgasmic attacks.

I wonder why I didn’t cry. I wonder why.

*sobriety from GHB which had been my lovely drug of choice

Sleep

Are you awake? I’m awake. Sleep has alluded me tonight (this morning). It’s 4:53AM while my cat snores beside me in her basket on the scanner and my boyfriend dreams in the bedroom.

For some reason I want this to upset me, the fact that I’m awake and not sleeping, however it does not. There could be many reasons for the lack of zzz’s coming forth this evening. My overconsumption of Pepsi certainly does not allow any normal person to sleep. Or is that this evening I had no seroquel to fall asleep. I did not fill my 25mg perscription after visiting my family doctor. Could it be that mentally I’m preparing to make another 0.25mg taper of Valium to be down to 2.75mg a day. Could it be my recent weight gain and the thought that I may be pregnant even though I’ve had my period every month? Could it be that this weight gain is upsetting because only two pairs of pants fit me now? Could it be that last week was the first week I worked in the graphic design trade since August 2005? Could it be that a very old friend was in town this past week and we hung out today rummaging through Chinatown? Could it be that I went out dancing this past Friday night? Could it be that every time I’m almost asleep I have too pee? Could it be I recieved the forms needed to finish my application for being tested for ADHD in the mail? Could it be that I began reading the Davinci Code this evening? Could it be that things are good in my life and my mind wants to find something bad when it’s supposed to go to sleep?

OK. Now I’ll present answers. Yes, I drink two litres of Pepsi a day. I have not been drinking enough water. I bloated up like this once in the summer and low and behold I researched that if you don’t drink enough water your’re body will retain it causing bloating.

Not having any Seroquel is a demon in disguise. I’ve been using it for 3 months now. When my doc today pulled up my weight chart it coincided with my start date of using seroquel as a sleep aid. I knew when I began this med that there was a risk of wieght gain but i did not think it would be 25lbs. She did a pregnancy test. NO MOM I am NOT pregnant (although it would have explained the weight gain in my belly). She suggested I discontinue the use of the seroquel slowly and just use it when i absolutely need to get to sleep. I’ve grown accustomed to taking it and falling asleep an hour later. I guess by my nature i’m a night owl. Maybe, by accepting this I’ll move forward.

The contract work I am doing freelancing from home. So, by it’s essence I could do it at any hour of the human 24 hour day and still meet the deadlines.

I drank about 6 glasses of water earlier this evening paced out of course. That was the cause of my peeing.

The Davinci Code is an intriguing read thus far. aving been raised Catholic but not following the faith at the present because of personal choices in my spirituality it’s making me think. I also wanted to read it before the movie hits theatres.

My friend Angela of 13 years was in town and flies home to Saint John, New Brunswick tomorrow morning. We have had our ups and downs and all arounds during the past dacade plus. As you get older though you grow to love and appreciate the differences in the people you love. I can say that about my Mother and Father as well. As a teen OMG! In my twenties I was right. In my thirties now I’m seeing some of their light. They were my age once. I love you both! Come to visit me soon!

And as for the Valium taper. At doc’s advice it’s going to go slowly. And the ADHD testing won’t be for another 7 or 8 monthes. The wait is long for adults. And by then I’ll be clean off the Valium also.

I have NOTHING to be upset about. There is NOTHING for me to worry about. This is odd.

I did recieve in the mail today brochures and information sheets on the consequences and addiction potential of GHB and other club drugs from Project GHB. I will be delivering them around Vancouver this week. I’m happy about that. Like many GHB addicts I thought GHB was safe. Even two years ago there was not much negative if any information on GHB. This is changing rapidly. To do: write page about dangers of GHB use

Back to Seroquel. The only thing I can equate it too is Cannabis for it’s sleep and munchie potential. I do miss smoking pot. i believe my gut is acting up a little because I’m not smoking pot occasionally to keep my Chron’s disease in remission. I agreed to stay clean off all drugs during my treatment so no pot for me.

Well I’m still awake. LOL. Are you? I took some pics of my Cat Missy Two Shoes sleeping.

It’s 5:53AM now. My Boyfriend will be getting up in 20 minutes to head off to work. I’ll stay up and say good morning. This whole putting the clocks back thing here in Canada has gotta have something to do with it! Haha!

The End of Mania

When you believe something so strongly no matter what it may be; it is bound by mind to exist. Recently my dreams have become so deviant, encompassing so many areas of past, present and future times that they come into my conscious reality of day to day life. Have you ever woken up screaming? Last week this happen three times. My eyes opened wide, my mouth opened sending a shrilling shriek into the air as I sat up. I had known I was dreaming and knew I begun screaming in the dreams. What was uncommon about them was, they were not per-say nightmares. I learned today that they are called night terrors from the nurse at Daytox.

I’m not sure how many of you think about death. Not so much suicide but death itself. What happens? Why? How will you be remembered if at all? Could anything have been done to prevent your death? Death crosses my mind every day. There has not been a day in recent memory where it has not entered, existed for a brief moment or more and then exited my mind. This has been common to me for over 20 years.

Everyone says you are the adult – you make the decision. But what would you do if somewhere along the way you lost the ability to choose? The simple choice to take a shower for instance can take me up to a week to make.

I’m going to present to you, two lists. One list is of words and phrases people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me. In the list that follows I’ll present another group of words that people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me.

FIRST list

creative, full of energy, beautiful, soft, I love you, sincere, sensitive, you are an angel, daughter, lover, sexy, seductive, good, open-minded, multitasker, smart, pretty, nice, smile, blue eyes, indigo child, empathetic, sympathetic, artist, alive, hoola hooper, gardener, love of animals, delicate, dancer, full of energy, never stops, always listens, day dreamer, crazy, ambitious, original, can laugh at problems, find solutions, dream, hyperactive, surreal, snoookles, older sister, leader, commented on, adored, loved, drugs, a lot, loves life, expansion of the mind, inebriation, intoxication, addiction, searching, answers, guiding, teaching, learning, crying, soft, tears, happy, over achiever, seductive, ideas, hope, music, E, GHB, pepsi, gentle, fuck me, stamina, pornography, confident, floating above cities, hovering among willows, why, three, writer, emotion creator, film maker, art director, graphic designer, picture framer, mat cutter, colour, typography, poet, excellent memory, attention to detail, walking, woods, ocean, beach, forever, wife, girlfiend

SECOND list

mistake, hate, ambivalent, relentless, effort, mangled thought patterns, Generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, ADHD, obsessive, compulsive, hair puller, skin picker, you’re the devil, trichotilomania, tendency, day dreams, lost, kicked, hit, beat up, rape, loner, nerd, are you a boy, anorexic, boy you’ve put on weight, fuck you, throttle, 24 hour, partier, workaholic, smoker, pot, cigarettes, MDMA, GHB, dumb, failure, thoughts are dumb and crazy, incoherent, belligerent, angry, sad, depression, loss, death, cut, scratch, pick, eat, don’t eat, drunk, she’s blacked out, arrogant, overdose, confused, reject, low, rumors, girls hate, pornography, catholic, bad, quiet child, abruptive, shut up, be quiet, evaporate, go away, leave me alone, throw up, pass out, die, kicking, men, force, woman farce, suffering in silence, too long, how old are you, why, sex, three, stop, bad, memory, hyper, pepsi, pain, gut hurts, chrohn’s, addict, overstimulated, hate advertising, never, divorce, unsure, can’t decide

Tomorrow I go see the doctor at Daytox. I spoke up today in the grey of Vancouver day to address all these words of mine to the nurse and councilor. There are two many eggs in my damn basket right now. I’m so grateful to everyone who has helped me over the past 6 months. The professional list is long. And in their lies the mania.

Over the past 6 months I have seen:

Addictions Doctor
Councilor A
Councilor B
Family Doctor
Psychiatrist
Nurse A
Nurse B
Councilors C, D and E

I travel to three different locations to see these people, attend their groups and get therapy. Only three times have any of them communicated with one another about what is going on with me. I’m not getting a clear answer. So now tomorrow I am going to Doctor C who is at location one. Then I go to See councilor A at location two in a few days. I then go see councilor C the day after that who at the recommendation of Councilor D and Nurse B will get all parties involved to plan out a new treatment plan. A couple of days after that I go see the Family Doctor at location three whom hopefully will have heard from Councilor C from location one. Councilor B is gone for while right now and that’s why I have councilor C. And there is supposed to be a new location added to the list. Location number four where I will meet ‘specialist’ psychiatrist. OMG!

FUCK. LOL. and good night! Something Councilor D said to me is “You do always have a way to laugh about your problems” You know in the end that is true. It makes me happy. But when I’m not laughing I’m dieing.

Any comments would be welcome!!! Is anyone out there in a similar situation?

Raw emotion – distilled into water?

There lives fear everywhere. It’s installed in us when we each are born. This installation learns. In it’s truest and earliest form, fear was an instinct. An instinct such as hunger, and the need for warmth when it was cold; fear kept you safe. Fear is no longer fear. It is Phobic.

I need to think on this longer. I’ll post more later today.

Green Stop Sign

I thought on this longer and became more phobic. Fuck. Now at 20 minutes to midnight I can say I feel calmer. Where did the phobia begin today? Yesterday. And Yesterday’s fear was carried over from the day before’s fear. So now that this fear has been cubed and diced where does that leave me? Laughing. Phobic fear is just that – phobia. It is irrational in most peoples eyes. However, when experiencing phobia one can become quite disabled.

I could not function today. I woke up this morning screaming out loud from a lucid nightmare. It’s not often that I’ve screamed myself awake. Today I did. And yesterday for that matter I had another disturbing dream. These dreams are so vivid and lucid. I’ve not yet manged to completely control them. The dreams I’ve been having since cleaning up 203 days ago have been all consuming at times involving people, places and experiences from my present and past. Inter tangled enlightenment’s of the soul perhaps? There are messages my subconscious is attempting to make conscious to me. This could be called the link between the soul and the body. The drawing to the left I drew after one such dream. I had been hit in the head by an usher at a wedding with a green stop sign in the dream, as I began to walk down the isle as a bridesmaid without bouquet in hand.

When the two (soul & mind) work as one, a person is in the ‘NOW’. There is no past, nor future, just the moment, he or she is experiencing. Having experienced these moments of complete clarity with and without drugs, I must say they are both beautiful and unexplainable in words. I have attempted to draw and paint them. However as soon as I would think – POOF – the moment is gone and I’m in the past or the future again.

The past is to depression what the future is to anxiety. The best way to know something is to experience it. Once your brain experiences it, whatever it may be; the brain will remember that experience with the emotions you felt during that experience. The brain doesn’t know the difference between past and future. When you get up in the morning say, and drink your coffee you probably associate waking up and being more alert with the coffee. Your mind is craving that feeling not the coffee. It’s a hard one to wrap your head around eh?

Now to take it a step further… When someone becomes addicted to a feeling what happens?

Their brain pretty much short circuits and rewires itself in such a way, that it needs the feeling or it will go into withdrawal. The extent of withdrawal would be dependent upon how much the brain needed the feeling to feel normal. Most addicts would say that they don’t get high anymore, that they are in fact just maintaining a normal so they don’t go into withdrawal. The ‘high’ has become normal. And when the normal cannot be achieved the brain along with the physical body begins to go down, down, down to what the average person would call normal. Are you still with me? So picture your worst, sickest, saddest and angriest day ever and multiply it by lets say 10. That is what real “normal” feels like to an addict when they withdraw from a substance.

After withdrawal all that the brain knows is raw emotion. Happiness times 10. Sadness times 10. Anger times 10. Fear times 10. Disgust times 10. You feel every emotion times 10. Your senses are heightened beyond what you ever thought possible. Light hurts your eyes. Traffic noise hurts. Advertisements sicken you. Colour stands out. A hair tickles your back and you jump! Bad memories cloud your mind like they happened today. They feel like they are happening right now.

But beautiful little things begin to happen gradually. I remember looking down at my paintbrush about 10 days into detox and just watching the water drip off the tip off the paintbrush into the rinse can. The sound fascinated me. Somehow my brain had blocked out all the other noise and distraction and all I heard and saw was the drip. I cried. I was happy. This was a moment with no past nor future.

I would recommend to anyone in search of understanding rent the movie What the Bleep? and also check outDr. Masaru Emoto’s website! The research he has done with water in how it affects every one of us in relation to our emotions is brilliant. We are, remember 90% water.

The days I watched these three movies will be forever with me. My brain I hope will remember the feelings generated by their visual, auditory gift. Drinking a glass of water has never been the same after seeing Dr. Masaru Emoto’s video.

You know, fear is the exact same as excitement. I’m terrified on a roller coaster where another person is excited beyond belief.

Sober since August 26th, 2005.

This is me 11

Today is day 200. I’ve been clean of GHB for 200 days. I’m proud of that fact. I used once three weeks into my sobriety and re-committed again. I had two glasses of wine this past weekend on Saturday night and have re-committed again. I find myself hitting a tuff spot. It’s not that I want the G back but I find myself searching for something, anything to change or alter my state of mind. This feeling is familiar to me, 20 years familiar. Truth is, it feels like my life has been cycling in three or four year cycles. I’m in the down time right now. More than ever I know it’s crucial to keep going and focus. Focus being the elusive enlightenment I crave the most.

This is me 21

My ex-husband used to say, I would look for problems when there was none to be found, only happy in a tumultuous non-routine life. Today, f@#$! Am I searching for someone to blame… You betcha! Who in their right mind wants to blame themselves. I’ve been blaming myself most of my life! I don’t understand why it’s not ok to talk about addiction and/or mental disease. If sites like http://www.recovery.com talk about it all the time, why don’t we?

But who is saying it’s not OK? Is it you? Or is it me? Is it an ideal created by society? Such as what fashions are OK to wear and what ones are not?

I’m so tired of hiding the crazy side in me. It’s agonizing. I am so scared of what people will think? OMG! I have to let that go. I don’t even know who these people are. Are you one of the ones who will judge me because I’m crazy and like to wear orange pants on occasion? OK this is making me laugh. It’s been difficult to write by hand lately in my journal. I have this online journal now. I’ve been swaying back and forth, to and fro to write or not to write about what I want to write about online. Well – decision made.

This is me 3

This is the web space I payed for. Money. f@#$. See I’m censoring myself. For who?

Fuck I feel better. There.

On to business. There is this project I’ve been planning to undertake for the past two years perhaps, of typing into the computer all of my journal entries, so they are digitized. I will be able to edit them better that way. Who knows, maybe I’ll be the next James Fry. A Million Little Pieces, whether non-fiction or not, is only so, in the eyes of the beholder reading it. This book held my attention for five days until I finished reading it! He understands.

Another book I could not put down was “Addicted – notes from the belly of the beast”. It is a collection of short ‘true’ stories of writers lives and the addictions they have succumbed too, lived with, recovered from or are still dealing with.

The more one reads, reaches out, talks about the more one understand and accepts. Knowing I am not alone in my struggles and joy is inspirational.

Perhaps, drug use and the creative mind go hand in hand?

Accupuncture

This afternoon I went to Daytox here in Vancouver to attend the Benzodiazapine support group and receive acupuncture. Odd thing was today, I happened to be the sole one in acupuncture and thereafter in the support Group. LOL. Yes, it was funny but on rare occasions at Daytox you could end up being the only client/patient with the nurse/councilor or acupuncturist in a group setting. Today I happened to be that only one. There has in the past been two or three of us but today was a first.

One needle in the crown, one needle in my forehead just where your hairline begins then five needles in each ear are the standard treatment for addiction and withdrawal. Today the third eye located just between the eyebrows was pierced also.

Quiet buddist chants eminated from the CD player. I sat back in one of 30 or so High backed black chairs, resting my feet upon another and closed my eyes. Colours began to appear softly on my eyelids. Indigo, Purple, and light green yellow being predominant. When I’m unable to close my eyes during treatment I write or draw in my journal to clear my mind. After 45 minutes it was time for the benzo support group.

I’m on a Benzodiazapine named Diazapam better known as Valium. Many people are in this world. This is a legal addiction. I began at 10mg’s per day and now I am down to taking 3mg’s per day. YAY! During a taper (when the dose is reduced) a person can have many withdrawal symptoms; hallucinations, tinnitus, trembling, insomnia and gastrointestinal upset to name a few. Upon stabilizing on your newly reduced dose the side effects diminish and the body and brain begin to function normally again. It’s best to taper off a benzo slowly – “listen to your body”. Each benzo user is unique and each user uses various benzos and their subsequent reactions to tapering are often quite different.

After Acupuncture I sat waiting to see if any others were coming… do dee doo dooo. The councilor walked in 15 minutes late. Acupuncture had been quiet and the acupuncturist opened the door to the treatment room late. That made me late. Late, smate – it doesn’t really matter. I hadn’t seen this councilor in some time. We had a great one on one talk about design, the WWW and recovery from addiction.

I came home. I ate. I took a nap with my cat. Naps after acupuncture are the best. And now well, I will continue researching into WordPress, maybe paint and see where this evening takes me.

missy_on_painting.png

Above is Missy sitting on one of my paintings.

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