Tag Archives: social anxiety

On the outside looking in

How do you find your way in a world where everything is familiar and long ago thoughts, ideas and beliefs begin to creep into your being once again? Twenty years ago I answered this question by applying to college in another city and upon acceptance of my application moved away as quickly as I could at the age of 19.

I don’t want to do that again, but the idea of doing it continues to pop into my head. My closest in real life friends live a world away offline but online they are right beside me via Skype, email and Facebook. These are people I went to college with or are childhood friends with whom I skipped, walked and played hide and go seek with. I see them once per year or even less at times. I miss them greatly at this time of year.

It’s so difficult moving back to the city you grew up in and making strong connections especially when you live alone, work alone and choose to associate with very few people offline most days due to financial constraints, past wrongs and simply opposing belief systems.

So right now, I’m on the inside looking out the studio window and don’t know where to go, who to talk to or what to do and it’s driving me crazy! I don’t want to teach art classes or be involved in the arts offline. It’s not my domain. Really. I’m an online activist and content creator much more so than an offline one. Or maybe it’s just because I don’t know how to do it? Or I don’t know how to take what’s in my head about working online and put that knowledge down on paper and teach it.

People from various organizations are contacting me to come and speak or teach workshops. I don’t know how to do that. If you want me to do that you need to help me. Push me. Pay me. Really. I don’t know where to begin in trying to navigate the grant system or how to apply for an art gallery opening. You need to set up an actual appointment for me and not leave things so open ended as it’ll be another year or never before I reach a decision. I understand online but not offline.

I find the activist in me is coming out and I’m seeking an organization to join or common interest group and hope that I can find the courage to follow through with that goal before I turn into a peanut. I keep thinking about knitting, sewing and working with fabrics again. I’ve got all the supplies and three sewing machines sitting upstairs waiting to be turned on.

Anyways, life has a way of cycling and repeating itself and it’s not until a decision is made that the loop ends and a new fuller path is presented you.

On the outside looking in is available as a limited edition print on HandmadeCloud.