Tag Archives: withdrawal

You know what’s hard list

1 – Earning about a dollar more than minimum wage per hour when the Canadian dollar is worth a quizillion dollars on world markets today

2 – Tapering off Paxil without proper medical care due to inequalities in the Canadian Medicare system

3 – Having your friend / sex buddy move away to Northern Manitoba to work building ice bridges facing the danger of sour gas until late January

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Raw emotion – distilled into water?

There lives fear everywhere. It’s installed in us when we each are born. This installation learns. In it’s truest and earliest form, fear was an instinct. An instinct such as hunger, and the need for warmth when it was cold; fear kept you safe. Fear is no longer fear. It is Phobic.

I need to think on this longer. I’ll post more later today.

Green Stop Sign

I thought on this longer and became more phobic. Fuck. Now at 20 minutes to midnight I can say I feel calmer. Where did the phobia begin today? Yesterday. And Yesterday’s fear was carried over from the day before’s fear. So now that this fear has been cubed and diced where does that leave me? Laughing. Phobic fear is just that – phobia. It is irrational in most peoples eyes. However, when experiencing phobia one can become quite disabled.

I could not function today. I woke up this morning screaming out loud from a lucid nightmare. It’s not often that I’ve screamed myself awake. Today I did. And yesterday for that matter I had another disturbing dream. These dreams are so vivid and lucid. I’ve not yet manged to completely control them. The dreams I’ve been having since cleaning up 203 days ago have been all consuming at times involving people, places and experiences from my present and past. Inter tangled enlightenment’s of the soul perhaps? There are messages my subconscious is attempting to make conscious to me. This could be called the link between the soul and the body. The drawing to the left I drew after one such dream. I had been hit in the head by an usher at a wedding with a green stop sign in the dream, as I began to walk down the isle as a bridesmaid without bouquet in hand.

When the two (soul & mind) work as one, a person is in the ‘NOW’. There is no past, nor future, just the moment, he or she is experiencing. Having experienced these moments of complete clarity with and without drugs, I must say they are both beautiful and unexplainable in words. I have attempted to draw and paint them. However as soon as I would think – POOF – the moment is gone and I’m in the past or the future again.

The past is to depression what the future is to anxiety. The best way to know something is to experience it. Once your brain experiences it, whatever it may be; the brain will remember that experience with the emotions you felt during that experience. The brain doesn’t know the difference between past and future. When you get up in the morning say, and drink your coffee you probably associate waking up and being more alert with the coffee. Your mind is craving that feeling not the coffee. It’s a hard one to wrap your head around eh?

Now to take it a step further… When someone becomes addicted to a feeling what happens?

Their brain pretty much short circuits and rewires itself in such a way, that it needs the feeling or it will go into withdrawal. The extent of withdrawal would be dependent upon how much the brain needed the feeling to feel normal. Most addicts would say that they don’t get high anymore, that they are in fact just maintaining a normal so they don’t go into withdrawal. The ‘high’ has become normal. And when the normal cannot be achieved the brain along with the physical body begins to go down, down, down to what the average person would call normal. Are you still with me? So picture your worst, sickest, saddest and angriest day ever and multiply it by lets say 10. That is what real “normal” feels like to an addict when they withdraw from a substance.

After withdrawal all that the brain knows is raw emotion. Happiness times 10. Sadness times 10. Anger times 10. Fear times 10. Disgust times 10. You feel every emotion times 10. Your senses are heightened beyond what you ever thought possible. Light hurts your eyes. Traffic noise hurts. Advertisements sicken you. Colour stands out. A hair tickles your back and you jump! Bad memories cloud your mind like they happened today. They feel like they are happening right now.

But beautiful little things begin to happen gradually. I remember looking down at my paintbrush about 10 days into detox and just watching the water drip off the tip off the paintbrush into the rinse can. The sound fascinated me. Somehow my brain had blocked out all the other noise and distraction and all I heard and saw was the drip. I cried. I was happy. This was a moment with no past nor future.

I would recommend to anyone in search of understanding rent the movie What the Bleep? and also check outDr. Masaru Emoto’s website! The research he has done with water in how it affects every one of us in relation to our emotions is brilliant. We are, remember 90% water.

The days I watched these three movies will be forever with me. My brain I hope will remember the feelings generated by their visual, auditory gift. Drinking a glass of water has never been the same after seeing Dr. Masaru Emoto’s video.

You know, fear is the exact same as excitement. I’m terrified on a roller coaster where another person is excited beyond belief.

Accupuncture

This afternoon I went to Daytox here in Vancouver to attend the Benzodiazapine support group and receive acupuncture. Odd thing was today, I happened to be the sole one in acupuncture and thereafter in the support Group. LOL. Yes, it was funny but on rare occasions at Daytox you could end up being the only client/patient with the nurse/councilor or acupuncturist in a group setting. Today I happened to be that only one. There has in the past been two or three of us but today was a first.

One needle in the crown, one needle in my forehead just where your hairline begins then five needles in each ear are the standard treatment for addiction and withdrawal. Today the third eye located just between the eyebrows was pierced also.

Quiet buddist chants eminated from the CD player. I sat back in one of 30 or so High backed black chairs, resting my feet upon another and closed my eyes. Colours began to appear softly on my eyelids. Indigo, Purple, and light green yellow being predominant. When I’m unable to close my eyes during treatment I write or draw in my journal to clear my mind. After 45 minutes it was time for the benzo support group.

I’m on a Benzodiazapine named Diazapam better known as Valium. Many people are in this world. This is a legal addiction. I began at 10mg’s per day and now I am down to taking 3mg’s per day. YAY! During a taper (when the dose is reduced) a person can have many withdrawal symptoms; hallucinations, tinnitus, trembling, insomnia and gastrointestinal upset to name a few. Upon stabilizing on your newly reduced dose the side effects diminish and the body and brain begin to function normally again. It’s best to taper off a benzo slowly – “listen to your body”. Each benzo user is unique and each user uses various benzos and their subsequent reactions to tapering are often quite different.

After Acupuncture I sat waiting to see if any others were coming… do dee doo dooo. The councilor walked in 15 minutes late. Acupuncture had been quiet and the acupuncturist opened the door to the treatment room late. That made me late. Late, smate – it doesn’t really matter. I hadn’t seen this councilor in some time. We had a great one on one talk about design, the WWW and recovery from addiction.

I came home. I ate. I took a nap with my cat. Naps after acupuncture are the best. And now well, I will continue researching into WordPress, maybe paint and see where this evening takes me.

missy_on_painting.png

Above is Missy sitting on one of my paintings.

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