One divided

What is our habitat as human beings on this earth? We seem to flourish even in the harshest climates buiding anthills to thrive around. While visiting New York City in 1995 my jaw dropped as I looked out, then down, at the multitudes of people, cars and rooftops, from atop the Empire States Building. Everything was orderly. People walked on sidewalks and crossed the street when walk signs blinked they could. Cars, buses and trucks beeped their way through the gridded landscape following eachother staying to the left or right of the streets. Grey, tarred and dirty roofing material reached as far as it could to the sky.

Collectively this panorama began to appear indistinguishable from itself save for a few buildings that had treed rooftops or nominal architectural characteristics. A lone red firetruck honking chaotically pushing through traffic broke the sound and patterned landscape every now and then. The people though, remained invariable, appearing as ants adhering to the paths set afore them. The odd one would lurch into traffic disobeying the common law, unique amongst the others, he divided himself from the nest.

Eric left today, sleeping bag in hand, going camping up to Harrison Lake with Ian, Tomoko and a few others. I had been invited. I chose not to go last night and told him so today. He said he was disapointed and I did too. I’m not upset at Eric nor anyone else. This is my own choosing. Fuck. I am one divided within myself. I want to be sober but be fucked up. I want to draw and work on the web. I want to dance, feel freedom in my head. But, by choosing to be alone have I lost out instead?

Everywhere I look there are drugs and alchahol. In recovery, people and instructors both, talk of them. They laugh about the good ‘ole days. What the fuck is that! I’ve been going less and less to Daytox and Dual Diagnosis. I sometimes feel it keeps me sick. So where exactly do I fit in? This is the functioning addicts manifesto not an addict on the street nor a fully functioning human being.

I’m not for nor against the use of drugs. I believe people should have the right to choose what they put into their own body. While in treatment, a client is to abstain from any drug use unless it is prescribed medication. But what about the addicts who could have only an addiction to one particular drug? In my case GHB excluding the pepsi and cigarettes. Every now and then I would like to have a glass of wine or a toke of pot. Not all addicts are addicted to all substances! They say in treatment “Why take the chance?” To me being sober is no different than functioning as an addict. My symtoms are the same. My reactions are too. My likes and dislikes are pretty equivalent too. As summer encroahes the northern hemisphere I wonder where I’ll be. I’m transitioning right now. I transitioned from addict to sober… what will it be next? Sober to question mark?

New York City was an idea in my head. After 9/11 the idea was dead.

I want to execute my ideas not kill them.

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2 thoughts on “One divided”

  1. I have some experience with this connundrum. I’d be happy to share it with you sometime. My recovery was stilted, rocky and full of questions. I was young and not-very addicted to much besides one thing and then later in life a completely different thing.

  2. You know Summer you may be one of the best internet aquaintances I’m beginning to get to know. My mom always says the people you need in your life will be there when they are needed. Some stay for a long time and others are just a glance while walking by. I’d love to hear your story sometime. If you have it posted on your site I can read it there or feel free to email me

    Stilted just makes sense to me you know? :)

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