42 Weeks

I have barely been out of the house this week. I go to the 7/11 to buy pop and cigarettes almost daily. I spend what little money I do have supporting two habits. You know though I like the people who work there and the other customers I see. They are familiar to me and know my name and I theirs.

So yeah I’ve been sober from GHB for 42 weeks today. Yay. Sisboombah… I should feel proud of that. All it does though is remind me of how I got here in the first place. Maybe being done the Valium taper is affecting me. I don’t want to blame it on anything anymore. I don’t understand why I’m here right now. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

Putting words to emotions has been somewhat difficult lately. I’ve been trying to keep myself up and going and laughing but sometimes the truth needs out. I haven’t been hiding anything but some emotions have been bubbling in the cauldrin that need to be stirred. Is it possible that I could miss the addiction? I feel like I need a problem to focus on. I once read somewhere that people who live with physical pain somewhere deep inside enjoy having the pain. When my Chron’s disease was active I lived with pain on a daily basis. I don’t know what I’m getting at. I think I miss being anxious. It drove me physically. Now I’m lethargic and don’t want to move around at all. I’m content to stay at home pick at my skin and be housebound. I’m not content though! I’m angry. My brain just keeps asking questions that I just can’t answer. It makes me furious. My mind is full of daggers half of the time. Flip flop. Why do I always keep asking myself the same questions. I feel let down not knowing the answers.

I tend to write when feeling this way; it usually leads me to a new understanding of myself. Tonight though I’m gonna try something different. I rarely draw when I’m feeling angry, anxious or upset. And it’s not that I feel insane or anything I am longing for things that haven’t happened and remembering my old self. And I miss my old self. ‘Cause truth be told I don’t know who I am in this new body. I want to be useful.

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