No measurements, no stats and the diet continues on after a brief hiatus

My last weigh in at the doctor was a whopping ???lbs. Woot to me eh? So who and what can I blame my 32 year old bodies shape on? Paxil, Pepsi and a creative mind’s favorite word, procastination. At this moment in time I want to say I would still like to be a part of the diet, however I am not going to set a goal. I am just going to live and let living be my guide.

Pepsi - thanks for trying

Doing things to fast causes me to backtrack into the recesses of my mind. I began this diet very fast and very furiously. I was in hyper mode. LOL. Anxiety was ruling my daily activities rather than doing I was thinking and re-thinking myself into oblivion. I took a break from posting to The Diet and would like to resume posting to it today and hopefully in the least, write bi-weekly updates.

I have been active but not as physically active as I was before. My mind has changed from that of an anxiety ridden mind to that of a I can’t keep up with my ideas now mind. The paxil has done a good job of controlling my anxiety. I miss though anxious moments of thought that would drive me to create with all those ideas I have. My brain works pretty good. Lot’s of ideas. Procastination has become a way of life over the last couple of monthes in the sense that it is very very difficult to organize my thoughts coherantly and get them out. Maybe the paxil has relaxed me to a point where nothing matters anymore physically. Without physically acting on my mentally engineered ideas, how the hell am I to lose weight, write, paint…

Six monthes ago I was put on a waiting list to be tested for ADHD. Yes, adults can have ADHD. In college I was teased as being the “what could happen to your child if not treated for ADHD early on in life poster adult”. LOL! I find though the more mentally healthy I get the more confused I get at the same time. Many things are still black and white to me. I still hold my breath literally. I still bounce between trusting myself and questioning almost every moment of every day as to whether what I am doing is what I should be doing. I don’t have the urge to use GHB. I do however crave the focus it gave me to bounce around completing many tasks and creating many ideas without forgetting small details. It is why I began taking it. My GOD what could this have done if I had had this in junior high when my coping skills began to fail, when everything around me became good or bad, judged, forbidden or swept under the carpet. That was then though. 20 years later knowing what I am capable of, but not being able to completely harness it’s power instantaniously still haunts me.

People do not begin taking drugs because they are illegal or bad. I can’t say that enough. They begin taking them because they work at least in the beginning when you assume you are still in control only to wake up knowing something is not quite right. The assumtion is the killer. And the authorities thinking that human beings will not naturally want to alter their mind woith substances both legal and illegal is foolish. We have been doing it for thousands of years. Why do you think raves were so popular and perhaps still are in some places today. So many things have become demonized in our modern culture that just having fun even has rules now.

I smoke cigarettes. I attempted quitting last week on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I began smoking again. Nicotene is a stimulant. A stimulant. I think it is possible that some people could benefit from both prescribed stimulants and depressants to be normal. Can I say that?

Can I say this? I miss my anxiety sometimes. It drove me. It kept my weight within normal range for all of my life until this year. When I excercise now, regardless of the activity I do; it makes me feel high. The endorphins are too much for me. Within a half hour of excercise I am high. Maybe excercise scares me now because it makes me high. Many addicts become addicted to excercise for this reason to a point where it is full-fledged addiction. I’ve been to other side.

On a humourous note a fatter bum is a better bum, for sitting on, than a boney bum.

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13 thoughts on “No measurements, no stats and the diet continues on after a brief hiatus”

  1. “Many addicts become addicted to excercise for this reason to a point where it is full-fledged addiction.”

    Yep, Yep, Yep. This sounds all too familiar! Until I stopped running away from me, I found all kinds of legal addictions;)

  2. Of course you can say all that. My own anxiety drove me creatively for years till I crashed and burned.

    In Australia they call paxil Aropax (I know) and taking it has dulled the creative side of me – sometimes (actually many times) I want that back, anxiety and all. I know what you’re going through, trust me!

    Altering your state of mind and being creative goes hand in hand – long before our time too. Some of the greatest artists, writers and songs have been written with in an altered state of mind.

    Can I say this: I get my best creative urges in the midst of a xanax blast. Everything else is mundane.

    5 years on I’m now a coffee and coca-cola junkie, always seeking out new ways of creativity – and I still dabble.

    Now you know why I’m naturally drawn to this blog, Jessica.

  3. Runner’s High.

    The holding breath thing is VERY typical. I used to do it alot & I find I still do it some when I’m anxious or tense. I have a massage practice so I guess I’m keyed into noticing breathing patterns. Like 98% of people hold there breath it seems. It has taken alot of effort, but I’ve reached the point where my breathing fully and consistently increases my focus and concentration. as goofy, and possibly new-agey, as that may sound. but it makes sense.

    It’s funny, Jessica, for people used to holding their breath, just regular, consistent breathing alters their mind and outlook on things.

    I like your blog, btw.

  4. Brandon – There is one thing differing legal addiction and illegal addiction; and that is acceptance. Legal addiction is socially acceptable where as illegal addiction is seen as; well, the opposite. I think I first read your writing on an msn messageboard. Thanks for coming to introduce yourself – cheers!

    Martin – paxilated I am. Xanax whoah! Can’t be any worse or better than Valium. I was put on Valium after self-tapering off the GHB. At the doses I was taking I could have died quitting cold turkey. I get off the G only to begin talking to the other side (death) again. A month after my detox I was put on Valium. And after a 9 month taper I am off the Valium.

    I do drink alchohol and dabble with some other stuff but stay away from chemicals and sedatives. GHB was like benzos, ritalin and alchahol all rolled into one small 5ml of of clear liquid. I could breath. I could focus and I could create. It was wonderful. The wonderful though :) turned into normal and the wonderful could not be achieved anymore.

    I’m happy to be making your aquaintance Martin. (now I know đŸ˜‰ )

    Jecklin – Even as a child I would hold my breath and squeeze my neck to get a rush… lol. I cannot believe at 8 years old what my gang of friends and I were doing. Nothing illegal but definately mind-altering.

    You are so right about the breathing thing. It isn’t goofy at all. Yeah breathing does alter the mind. When I am breathing well, the world seems kinder and not so upset.

  5. Hello,
    Just wondering if anyone could help. I did something stupid and started my blog using a numerical archive system, and now I'd like to change it so that the post title is part of the URL for SEO reasons. Is there any WordPress plugins that anyone knows of that could switch it without sending Googlers to invalid pages? Maybe some sort of redirector to the correct page?


  6. Dennis – under Options/reading in your wordpress dashboard change your from default to name and date based. Sorry though I do not know of any plugins that would rectify the problem with google. I would suggest asking in the wordpress forums.

  7. I was wondering, since I am going through the list of dieters, if you’re still participating in the diet? If so, please send me an email when you get the chance to let me know that you are, and that you’d like to stay on the list.

  8. Colin it has been a long time since this last post. Please keep my name on the list. spring is right around the corner and I need to pick up the diet again for my health. :) I will email you.

  9. Old blog new comment with tongue firmly in my cheek.
    I um…well… i just finished reading blog and um … I’ve decided that im not sure if i want to meet now. I just don’t think i can risk cavorting with a pepsi drinker. LOL
    I myself am a coke addict… the cola that is

  10. LOL @ Shane

    I’m not so much a Pepsi addict anymore. I DO prefer Pepsi over Coke. I’ve dropped about 26 pounds over the past eight months.

    You read my whole Blog? OMG.

  11. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and was curious what all is required to get setup?

    I’m assuming having a blog like yours woulkd cost a pretty penny?
    I’m not very web smart so I’m not 100% positive. Any suggestions
    or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

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