When an anxiety attack peaks it feels akin to an epiphany, an awakening…

The odd thing is, one does not truly appreciate how anxious one was before it peaks. It literally orgasms. Tears are shed. Pacing ensues. One wonders if one will die. Momentarily. Ya laugh. ha ha, only to cry again. ah ah. Physically moving breaks the attack.

What if the attack began a few weeks earlier. What if it built in strength herding ideas, vehimiently gathering stimuli. What if it lasts an average two weeks out of every month. What if one doesn’t care that it lasts two weeks. The upside of anger is this exactly.


epiphanyThere exists an upside to anxiety also. I just don’t realize it until after the orgasm. My mind literally explodes. BOOM. Flashes of thought connect together, the dots join disconnected no longer. I like to be home when then happens. It is a spiritual connection to oneself. One gathers and one does. When one gathers more than the other one can do there is a crescendo of unconcious, come into focus and it hurts but feels good at the same time. I didn’t beat my head against the wall or anything like that. I typed nonsence that later made sense. I picked up my recorder and set it up. I filled two boxes of clothing, digital, and gobbl-e-gooky stuff that no longer needs a presence with me. My recorder I plugged in. And FUCK it actually does web-cam mode. I thought to be only for a PC, that it would work. Low and behold this sucker fucking works for a Mac. I’ve got something to record with. Something to write and draw with. Something furry that keeps me company. Now all I need is drive. I need fuel to get it all out.

My studio. Ahhhh my studio dammit. I always wanted to live in a top floor space where I could manage it as a shared art space. Three years of accumulating and re-arranging and arguing and pouting, gleefully witnessing the transformation of my living space.

It is more than three years though. 32.9 monthes to be precise. gee-ziz kryst.

Human beings experience epiphanies. It is PLEBEIAN.

There are stories… yes there are stories :)

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7 thoughts on “When an anxiety attack peaks it feels akin to an epiphany, an awakening…”

  1. Hellraiser? Cool! The drawing of yours looks like a brain with a spinal cord attached :) Very nice 😀

  2. Bonita – awah… thanks sweetie 😉

    Dee – I seem to get them given to me from you and Junko. Japanese comic books are awesome. You both have the best reading material at your apartments.

    That is a lie Dee. I bought an Archie and Jughead comic book about a year ago. I used to buy ’em when I was a kid. Mem-o-ries…. Andy kept me sticked full of Hellraiser, Alien and other gore related comics for 8 years. Time goes by…

  3. Yup, that drawing pretty much sums up the raw shit when one has an anxiety attack … mind imploding while you’re trying to hold on to some semblance of reality, failing miserbly – where’s the nearest quiet corner.

    I’m gonna die. Mind a pacing. Can’t stand still. your mind’s eye zooms right up close to your face.

    And then it’s over… till we jump on the merry-go-round for one more spin.

    My “studio” is my fucking mind, a piece of paper and a pen at 3am .

    Then when you stop having attacks you don’t feel whole – how fucked is that!

  4. A bunch of us were sitting around one evening discussing anxiety attacks. Two people, in the group us sitting and relaxing, get anxiety attacks.
    It was amazing them explaining a physical reaction that is not necessarily accompanied by emotional anxiety.
    It is amazing how the body will release the tension in a physical way, to preserve the person within.
    I am anxiety whimperer. If I get frustrated I I get so pent up I whimper like a little girl.
    I never did before this last year. I guess as I get older I get more easily frustrated.

  5. Edseverripit – watched many Hellraiser movies while living with my ex-husband.

    Martin – Yeah it’s so up and down. However, I would miss it if it was all gone in an instant. It wouldn’t be me anymore.

    Thank you guys for some comments on the ink drawing. Both your descriptions of it are quite unique and have given me some inspiration.

    Lynn Tucker – OMG! I have those wimper anxiety attacks too. It is almost like regressing back to childhood and wanting your mom to comfort you. It does seem that as the years go by we as adults get more secluded in sharing our feelings with others.

    It was nice to hear your take on anxiety :)

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