Tag Archives: Drugs

Finding passion without becoming addicted or why six years on it’s not any easier

2012 calendar desktop monsters handmade aliens pretty whimsical etsy

I wrote this blog post earlier this year in May but hadn’t published it. This seems to be a common occurrence as I write a lot but don’t publish them. And with 95 blog post drafts sitting anxiously I thought well, now is the time to edit and publish. Anyhow, I recently celebrated six years sobriety of off hard drugs on August 26th so while perusing the drafts I re-read this one and thought it appropriate to share with you.

For the last six years I’ve been searching for something that doesn’t exist. A something that perhaps exists in everyday life but doesn’t exist in the nether regions of one’s psyche. One can never return to the past nor can they return to the future.

While I may think of chemical drugs almost everyday I know that if I consume them it would spell the death of me as I’d fall so far down the rabbit hole that I would not return as the drug means more to me than life itself and more than everyone and everything else in this world. I knew this, and understood this, when cleaning up from addiction in 2005.

And I miss the freedom of living in a larger urban center and of being free to not wear a bra and being free to not look like the rest of the population surrounding me. While it seems tuff at times to live in a small town… yes, Saint John is a small town even though it is officially declared a city… it is still a small town by modern standards; and a very conservative small town at that. And to see fashions that were in style in Vancouver in 2007 rearing there head here right now is mind boggling as it’s nuts to think that it takes four to five years for fashions to make their way from West to East.

I was talking with my cousin a few days ago who is four years older than I. We are both relatively single and do not have children. We are also both self employed and creative although her creativity is a hobby while mine is my main source of income.

I can remember at age 12 or 13 visiting with her and her showing me the many drawings that she drew and being inspired by them. I don’t know if you know that Rochelle. But I’ll never forget the amazing ink drawings you rendered as a teenager and how you told me to keep drawing even when I didn’t feel like it while we stood in your bedroom. I’m fortunate to have had people in my life who inspired me creatively at a very early and tender age.

As I near middle age now, I wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be. While I don’t enjoy being single, I do long for savageness and wild abandon. I miss it to be honest. I feel repressed here in Saint John and while I have sex on very rare occasions, I do miss the damn connection that comes when you finally meet the right person. I’m sick and tired of dating. And this isn’t to say that I’m looking to lay just anybody. I’m not addicted to sex but I am human and I hunger for physical contact but MUCH more than that I want a life long commitment with someone.

I may never have children and that is not okay. So six years on it’s not any easier. And that is the truth people about addiction. It never goes away, but you can use it to your advantage and work with it, molding it into inspiration to continue living and striving for the life you want.

Handmade by me 2012 Desk and Wall Calendars are listed and ready to ship in the art shop now. Pictured above are the 12 months from the desk calendar.

The Medicine of Duck Duck Goose

So thank you everyone for the kind words and for sharing your hypothyroidism stories here on the blog, on Google Buzz and in email with me. The hardest part in all of this is accepting it and thus moving forward with changes I must make to my daily routines and eating habits.

I have many questions and concerns that seem to be unanswered at the moment or are answered in a way that brings up more questions or the answers just haven’t sunk in, yet.

Can I take a pro-biotic with Synthroid in the morning as it’s to be taken on an empty stomach and first thing in the morning too? I take two 10,000,000 billion active cells capsules that contain both acidopholus and bifidus. This has kept Chron’s disease in remission for 14 years and I do not want to stop taking it as it works.

And what about Calcium? I was taking 500mg of calcium carbonate/citrate w/ vitamin D daily and used to take it first thing in the morning too at the recommendation of my family doctor in Vancouver, due to a family history of early onset osteoporosis. When do I take this supplement if I can’t take it with Synthroid? Is it safe to take it at all while on Synthroid? Do I take it before I go to bed instead? Is that safe? Continue reading

Chasing the Dragon Illustration

chasing the dragon, illustration, winsor and newton watercolour, original, jessica doyle, addiction, sobriety, psychedelic

We chase dragons all our lives whether we are conscious of it or not…

This illustration holds more significance to me than perhaps any other drawing I’ve rendered over the last few years. Maybe I shouldn’t sell it It signifies the turning point in one’s life where one must move forward and discontinue past follies and experience regardless of how difficult the emotions welling up inside may be. It can mean leaving jobs, changing where one lives or even ending relationships and being financially poor and emotionally destitute until the change happens. Continue reading

Absinthe 99 or playing with the green fairy that was 2004

In 2004 during an intensive year of college in British Columbia we were asked to illustrate a poster in an older illustrative style with hand drawn letters. Absinthe 99 is the result of that assignment.

That year of college was one of the most brutal and rewarding times of my life. I had applied and was later accepted into an advanced multi media program at Langara College. I took 21 courses in one 12 month period including advanced typography, history of design and colour theory. By the end of that year I was addicted to GHB (sedatives). Add to that, my boyfriend was manic, and suffering through immense panic attacks and depressive episodes and unable to work, let alone feed himself until later that same year… it was all I could do to cope with the situation I found myself in. If anything, the strict regimen of college that year heightened and brought to the surface my inward disorder with the world around me. In 2007 I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and a few underlying learning disabilities.

I believe all those people who succumb to addiction have their reasons and people it really does not happen overnight. It begins innocently enough when one can’t get out of a predicament and that predicament then folds in on itself evolving into a monster! And truth be told I’ve never drank absinthe… someday maybe… I also hold the belief that once an addict you are not always going to be an addict. I do believe to get better you must live a more holistic lifestyle. And for some, that does mean remaining sober indefinitely. Addiction is simply a way of showing us there is a problem that needs to be dealt with or you will die.

Maybe, it’s the reading of 2012 by Daniel Pinchbeck that is reawakening those memories and you know what? I’m glad because now they seem fresh and perhaps today I can make sense of them as my mind is clear, and life is good. For too long I discounted those experiences as trivial and felt bad that I had traveled into the depths of my soul using substances (other than sedatives) to enlighten and open up channels that did exist in reality when I was a child. And I sometimes think, that Attention Deficit Disorder is a result of those perceptions being systematically taught out of us by society.

This year, as I settle into my home I’m finding memories are surfacing of those years; many good and some pretty awful ones to. I’m simply accepting them for what they are and digging out the artwork that was created during that time, for in it holds the key to moving on, letting go and growing once more.

I created 11 by 14 inch prints of this illustration and they are available on HangsaLittleLeft… my darker art shop… muahahahahaha!

967 days later…

Memories accumulate over time interlacing overlapping each other causing fog to form at the base of one’s understanding. We see people in passing who at one time understood us; perhaps even loved us and whom we used to love to. They dwell between the nether regions of our souls; a place dark perhaps distraught from years of neglect and solitude.

When you see what it really is
that is what you’ll “get”
Got it?

I don’t know why I saw her tonight. I don’t know why she was there dancing. I couldn’t understand the memories that surged yet understood why and how they became.

We ingested copious amounts of drugs together. We partied days at a time. Not hours. Nor evenings. Days. 72 hours? 3 days turned into weeks for me. Months. Years. Passed.

It broke tonight. The craving for intoxication. Annihilation. Emptiness. I saw her and all that was is. All that will be was forgotten.

Nine hundred and sixty seven days later I remain sober of GHB.

Fuck, the last two weeks became stupendously hard for me and I don’t know why. It was all I could do but work, draw, write, sleep, not sleep, be, not be, freak silently while the cravings raced over me, through me and around me. How can this be? How!!! Talking to someone here in this freaking city is irrelevant. People here in this small town have no clue. NONE.

So, I will talk to you. You who will not judge, nor react. You who will accept. You the unknown, the present tense of life.

It melted away tonight. As quickly as it hit, two weeks later it melted, evaporated. It’s been a long long time since I’ve craved like this. Maybe the longest it has ever lasted since I quit. The whole of the month of April, 2008 has nearly strangled me with… the words just don’t exist to continue writing right now.

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How do you clean your mind?

I began, a few moments ago, thinking about how I wished I could remove my brain, throw it in the wash with detergent and later dry it outside on the line in the crisp autumn air.

I can’t literally do that though and that fact irks me especially after a day like today.

I am only able to wash my skin if dirty, exercise if fat and eat if hungry. The mind is different and yes, every one of those things affects the mind indirectly but they cannot immediately rid it of dirt.

This got me thinking about drugs and how I crave them during moments of high stress. Yes, moments, for the urge can pass to instantaneously fix the sleepiness, stupidness or inattentiveness. On days like today though the moments turned into hours and the 15 minute break worked for about 15 minutes upon my return to working. I know, I know there will be days like these.

I wish I had that little bottle on days like these. I wish I had my magic potion. I wish I could sip it into oblivion and be unaware of my own existence, only conscious of other’s insistence.

Today I found two pennies.

Draw so you will not use drugs when the condom breaks – drawing

Condom Child

The doctor walked in and looked down at the pad of paper.

“Did you draw that?” she asked.

“Yes, I draw so I don’t use. Keeps me sane.” I smiled and stepped up to sit down on the examining room table two days ago.

Periodically, I can only draw
what I think and feel.
Words do no justice,
to emotions
with no name.

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Are you awake? I’m awake. Sleep has alluded me tonight (this morning). It’s 4:53AM while my cat snores beside me in her basket on the scanner and my boyfriend dreams in the bedroom.

For some reason I want this to upset me, the fact that I’m awake and not sleeping, however it does not. There could be many reasons for the lack of zzz’s coming forth this evening. My overconsumption of Pepsi certainly does not allow any normal person to sleep. Or is that this evening I had no seroquel to fall asleep. I did not fill my 25mg perscription after visiting my family doctor. Could it be that mentally I’m preparing to make another 0.25mg taper of Valium to be down to 2.75mg a day. Could it be my recent weight gain and the thought that I may be pregnant even though I’ve had my period every month? Could it be that this weight gain is upsetting because only two pairs of pants fit me now? Could it be that last week was the first week I worked in the graphic design trade since August 2005? Could it be that a very old friend was in town this past week and we hung out today rummaging through Chinatown? Could it be that I went out dancing this past Friday night? Could it be that every time I’m almost asleep I have too pee? Could it be I recieved the forms needed to finish my application for being tested for ADHD in the mail? Could it be that I began reading the Davinci Code this evening? Could it be that things are good in my life and my mind wants to find something bad when it’s supposed to go to sleep?

OK. Now I’ll present answers. Yes, I drink two litres of Pepsi a day. I have not been drinking enough water. I bloated up like this once in the summer and low and behold I researched that if you don’t drink enough water your’re body will retain it causing bloating.

Not having any Seroquel is a demon in disguise. I’ve been using it for 3 months now. When my doc today pulled up my weight chart it coincided with my start date of using seroquel as a sleep aid. I knew when I began this med that there was a risk of wieght gain but i did not think it would be 25lbs. She did a pregnancy test. NO MOM I am NOT pregnant (although it would have explained the weight gain in my belly). She suggested I discontinue the use of the seroquel slowly and just use it when i absolutely need to get to sleep. I’ve grown accustomed to taking it and falling asleep an hour later. I guess by my nature i’m a night owl. Maybe, by accepting this I’ll move forward.

The contract work I am doing freelancing from home. So, by it’s essence I could do it at any hour of the human 24 hour day and still meet the deadlines.

I drank about 6 glasses of water earlier this evening paced out of course. That was the cause of my peeing.

The Davinci Code is an intriguing read thus far. aving been raised Catholic but not following the faith at the present because of personal choices in my spirituality it’s making me think. I also wanted to read it before the movie hits theatres.

My friend Angela of 13 years was in town and flies home to Saint John, New Brunswick tomorrow morning. We have had our ups and downs and all arounds during the past dacade plus. As you get older though you grow to love and appreciate the differences in the people you love. I can say that about my Mother and Father as well. As a teen OMG! In my twenties I was right. In my thirties now I’m seeing some of their light. They were my age once. I love you both! Come to visit me soon!

And as for the Valium taper. At doc’s advice it’s going to go slowly. And the ADHD testing won’t be for another 7 or 8 monthes. The wait is long for adults. And by then I’ll be clean off the Valium also.

I have NOTHING to be upset about. There is NOTHING for me to worry about. This is odd.

I did recieve in the mail today brochures and information sheets on the consequences and addiction potential of GHB and other club drugs from Project GHB. I will be delivering them around Vancouver this week. I’m happy about that. Like many GHB addicts I thought GHB was safe. Even two years ago there was not much negative if any information on GHB. This is changing rapidly. To do: write page about dangers of GHB use

Back to Seroquel. The only thing I can equate it too is Cannabis for it’s sleep and munchie potential. I do miss smoking pot. i believe my gut is acting up a little because I’m not smoking pot occasionally to keep my Chron’s disease in remission. I agreed to stay clean off all drugs during my treatment so no pot for me.

Well I’m still awake. LOL. Are you? I took some pics of my Cat Missy Two Shoes sleeping.

It’s 5:53AM now. My Boyfriend will be getting up in 20 minutes to head off to work. I’ll stay up and say good morning. This whole putting the clocks back thing here in Canada has gotta have something to do with it! Haha!