Tag Archives: emotion

Etsy feels like an addiction

And I should know because I am an addict.

Four and half years ago when I was being treated for GHB addiction my doctor asked me what I planned to do for money. At the time I was just discovering the beauty of blogging and all the possibilities that it held: a way to share my ideas, artwork, meet and converse with like-minded people and perhaps earn an income. I had already made the decision to never venture back into the applied arts world of graphic design and was looking for a more holistic way to live that in turn complimented my ideals and would allow for personal growth but more importantly, live as an artist.

The doctor asked how much time do you spend online? Continue reading

Brain. Fingers. Emotion. Computer?

I feel so sad right now. My emotions have run away with the circus.

My family is away. A very close friend, whom I love, is leaving tomorrow and I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And words do not express how frustrating it is that my computer is so freaking slow.

No, the computer is not to slow; my brain and fingers are just too fast for this computer.

My fingers type key commands ever so quickly these days that the mac wheel just keeps turning, turning turning… all the while Photoshop, iPhoto, Firefox, Illustrator, inDesign and umteen other pieces of software refuse to do their job at the speed I need to them to do it in and continue processing processing processing. I don’t even know where to find the key commands in the menus anymore. I learn them, remember them and move on to the next one because it’s efficient.

When you’ve been using a mac since 1994 you become adept at making it work to capacity all the while being very efficient at operating three or more programs at once to get the job done, socialize and be productive.

Well, capacity was reached about TWO years ago!

Can I just freak out and not be calm for one minute.



And to top it all off most of the online software that would make my job easier is not supported by OSX 10.3.9 which is what I run on a Titanium G4 Laptop from 2003.

Rant done.
Thank you for listening.

Feeling Disconnected – New Ink Drawing

We all feel disconnected from ourselves and even with the world that surrounds us during moments of sorrow, loss or simply because we are overwhelmed. Know this though, you are not alone with those feelings of anxiety or hopelessness as we all from time to time do feel this way.

Take comfort in knowing that every emotion and feeling that you experience will pass, evolving into yet another that in turn to, will adapt and ever change again.

We are human; and that IS what connects us all.

I created prints of this ink drawing today, for sale on HangsaLittleLeft.

How your eco-footrpint is connected to sugar – your emotion and brain.

When your thoughts are controlled by substances that are short term acting… that is, the effects do not fade gradually and are short lasting, you’ll want more all the time. You will need to buy more all the time. It is a commodity. It is renewable at the cost of your mental health.

Ducks in the city - EastVanEsica 2007 ©Transitioning from one life experience to another can be among one of the strangest things I face every day. In the center of this transition lies the balance of one emotion to another. Contained within that is that little spark of thought. That thought needs to decide one way or the other every second we are alive on earth.

Getting stuck in the emotion can cause numbness, a state of non-being. Much of my waking hours I am in there, either moving faster than the central line or crawling a bit behind. Emotions come on intensely. They come in banging and knocking every second. They seem to be fighting with each other. Love, hate, happy, sad, fear and excitement. There are those brief instances of when the opposing emotion cuts the other out of existence. Subtle inside the brain is the change but outwardly I am awash with another emotion yet experiencing the same thing. A word from another, a sound… ok that’s it, sound. Visuals also. And there are those times when I walk the line. I cannot separate myself from my work when I am not at work. Nor can I separate my life from my work. I believe the two need to co-exist. Ever notice how animals take shelter from rain. We humans need to do that to.

The Go list.

  1. draw.
  2. write.
  3. ?
  4. eat.
  5. brush teeth – personal hygiene.
  6. garden.
  7. intimacy.
  8. work – i.e. see #1 and #2.
  9. cigarettes
  10. Pepsi

Pepsi is about to fall off the list. White Sugar withdrawal is not for the faint of heart. Good Gawd! I began drinking slightly more Pepsi this week. Geebisssss. Not functioning efficiently. White sugar should be eliminated from whence it was incarnated. Sugar. These little insane white tiny grains, particles of lust verses lethargy will die in shame. Wow. I am also refraining from buying any products containing aspartame. Holy headaches I used to have – just from chewing a piece of gum. I don’t buy gum ever.

I began taking pacific salmon oil capsules 7 weeks ago. I am noticing a big difference. I am taking calcium and vitamin D. I think those things are overpowering my need for constant mental focus or adjustment. Sugar fucks with your emotions to a degree I didn’t realize until recently.

When things become too good I can’t believe it. When things become bad I want them badder. I don’t want to label these things into another grouping of words that ultimately I’ll research until I’m blue, hysterical or quietly cursing.

The good the bad and the ugly.

The good.
Is really not what I want to write about.

The good is my eco-footprint is down from 4.3 planets to 2.4 planets for living in Canada as one of it’s poorest citizens. Amusing eh? I couldn’t help but laugh at this. I had ticked off almost the lowest possible choice in every category next to the none choice.

People living on the street in Canada are most likely to get the lowest eco-footprint score I’m guessing. Ever wonder why it is, that people’s emotions begin overtaking and consuming their body? It’s because of this! I feel sick that I can’t live using only 1 earth. It’s possible though. And it isn’t only the governments responsibility, it is our own. I think a lot of this is partly due to money and the way people use it, spend it and give it to large corporations.

Things I have changed and am progressing towards the switchover amidst “train of thought”.

  1. Choosing to not purchase Brand Name.
  2. Choosing to barter and trade skills for another’s services, product or money on occasion. I log a record. I am not evading taxes.
  3. Working from home

This is exciting. This is mental freedom for me from media and advertising buy non-human entities. And it feels good. I am not breaking the law. I choose not to drive or own a car. I walk. I ride public transit less than 10 Kilometers a week. My air travel time per year is an average 10km per year. I buy 25% processed food, eat meat once or twice per week and am generally healthy physically. Cutting down the processed food was more difficult than all others. And if you own clothes that ARE a little small for you consider loosing that weight a brand name put on you. A “brand name”. I hate pepsi as much as I love it. The same for GHB and cigarettes. I hate GHB because it made me who I could be. The effect was mesmerizing as my I became myself. I was in sinc with everything around me. I functioned with all the nine to fiver’s efficiently. This is no fucking joke. I could work my ass off. But it killed me.

All these things need money to buy. All of them. Money I will not spend to make myself a crazy emotional mushroom cloud. Boom – happy. Boom sad. Boom! retarded. Boom! illiterate. Boom! How can white sugar be legal and above that not taxed appropriately. I find sugar worse getting off than GHB. Different yet close. There is a link to sugar and sedatives. There has to be. And a link between sedatives and cigarettes.

It is only going to get better

18plus.jpgThe paragraph below describes my feelings today, and rather well I might say. Bridgett Walther must be reading my mind. In the least she is one heluva(n) astrologer.

For November 9: At first blush this morning, you might feel a bit woozy or out of your league. That blurry feeling passes pretty quickly. In fact, by mid morning, you’re back in the saddle and ready to declare yourself the new sheriff in town. Although that declaration might be a touch premature, your growing feelings of confidence are absolutely justified. You’re beginning to experience the glimmer of coming into your own power and worth. And just think: it’s only going to get better during the next couple weeks!

Yesterday was a lot of fun. I never had so many people come by to say hi on my site before. Thank you all for the Birthday wishes.

As busy as I was online I was busy offline yesterday. My family called to wish me the best on the phone for an hour. A few friends came by on and off throughout the day to say Happy Birthday and bringing with them some cheer. My email inbox had some interesting e-greetings in it that made me laugh. And sadly… Eric and I were too pooped and fell asleep before we had a chance to…

On another note seeing as I am an adult of 33 years of age now. The other day I noticed over on girlspoke the other day an 18+ sign. I clicked it and was greeted with some terms and conditions. I am strongly leaning towards adding an 18+ sign to this site as well.

I am an adult. This site is written by an adult. Therefore it is an adult site.

I am woman. Hear me ROAR! write! 😉

I am open to discussion about this 18+ rating. What are your thoughts on the manner? Do you feel it is necessary or for that matter legally needed?

What the Bleep is the name for a green stop sign?

greenstopsignSM.jpgI was over on Communicatrix’s site reading a post entitled Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 3: “Feng Shui for Skeptics, or Why All My Dustcloths Are Purple”, and began writing and extended comment. Instantly a memory came into being causing me to click between browser pages to and from her site to mine to others.

Why is it that human beings perseve themselves as one rather than one part of something much larger. The movie What the Bleep gave names to things I knew no names for. Emotions came into existance for me. When something is not named one cannot begin to fully understand what that is until is is named. When something is named, it tends to become very real for me. It is no longer undescribable through use of image, sound or feeling for me. It is almost as if I can think about a named thing as a whole. I use words when I think. I use my fingers to create with. Yet, I cannot use letters to decribe what I am thinking of or feeling if none exist nor If I am unaware of it’s given name.

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