Tag Archives: recovery


Are you awake? I’m awake. Sleep has alluded me tonight (this morning). It’s 4:53AM while my cat snores beside me in her basket on the scanner and my boyfriend dreams in the bedroom.

For some reason I want this to upset me, the fact that I’m awake and not sleeping, however it does not. There could be many reasons for the lack of zzz’s coming forth this evening. My overconsumption of Pepsi certainly does not allow any normal person to sleep. Or is that this evening I had no seroquel to fall asleep. I did not fill my 25mg perscription after visiting my family doctor. Could it be that mentally I’m preparing to make another 0.25mg taper of Valium to be down to 2.75mg a day. Could it be my recent weight gain and the thought that I may be pregnant even though I’ve had my period every month? Could it be that this weight gain is upsetting because only two pairs of pants fit me now? Could it be that last week was the first week I worked in the graphic design trade since August 2005? Could it be that a very old friend was in town this past week and we hung out today rummaging through Chinatown? Could it be that I went out dancing this past Friday night? Could it be that every time I’m almost asleep I have too pee? Could it be I recieved the forms needed to finish my application for being tested for ADHD in the mail? Could it be that I began reading the Davinci Code this evening? Could it be that things are good in my life and my mind wants to find something bad when it’s supposed to go to sleep?

OK. Now I’ll present answers. Yes, I drink two litres of Pepsi a day. I have not been drinking enough water. I bloated up like this once in the summer and low and behold I researched that if you don’t drink enough water your’re body will retain it causing bloating.

Not having any Seroquel is a demon in disguise. I’ve been using it for 3 months now. When my doc today pulled up my weight chart it coincided with my start date of using seroquel as a sleep aid. I knew when I began this med that there was a risk of wieght gain but i did not think it would be 25lbs. She did a pregnancy test. NO MOM I am NOT pregnant (although it would have explained the weight gain in my belly). She suggested I discontinue the use of the seroquel slowly and just use it when i absolutely need to get to sleep. I’ve grown accustomed to taking it and falling asleep an hour later. I guess by my nature i’m a night owl. Maybe, by accepting this I’ll move forward.

The contract work I am doing freelancing from home. So, by it’s essence I could do it at any hour of the human 24 hour day and still meet the deadlines.

I drank about 6 glasses of water earlier this evening paced out of course. That was the cause of my peeing.

The Davinci Code is an intriguing read thus far. aving been raised Catholic but not following the faith at the present because of personal choices in my spirituality it’s making me think. I also wanted to read it before the movie hits theatres.

My friend Angela of 13 years was in town and flies home to Saint John, New Brunswick tomorrow morning. We have had our ups and downs and all arounds during the past dacade plus. As you get older though you grow to love and appreciate the differences in the people you love. I can say that about my Mother and Father as well. As a teen OMG! In my twenties I was right. In my thirties now I’m seeing some of their light. They were my age once. I love you both! Come to visit me soon!

And as for the Valium taper. At doc’s advice it’s going to go slowly. And the ADHD testing won’t be for another 7 or 8 monthes. The wait is long for adults. And by then I’ll be clean off the Valium also.

I have NOTHING to be upset about. There is NOTHING for me to worry about. This is odd.

I did recieve in the mail today brochures and information sheets on the consequences and addiction potential of GHB and other club drugs from Project GHB. I will be delivering them around Vancouver this week. I’m happy about that. Like many GHB addicts I thought GHB was safe. Even two years ago there was not much negative if any information on GHB. This is changing rapidly. To do: write page about dangers of GHB use

Back to Seroquel. The only thing I can equate it too is Cannabis for it’s sleep and munchie potential. I do miss smoking pot. i believe my gut is acting up a little because I’m not smoking pot occasionally to keep my Chron’s disease in remission. I agreed to stay clean off all drugs during my treatment so no pot for me.

Well I’m still awake. LOL. Are you? I took some pics of my Cat Missy Two Shoes sleeping.

It’s 5:53AM now. My Boyfriend will be getting up in 20 minutes to head off to work. I’ll stay up and say good morning. This whole putting the clocks back thing here in Canada has gotta have something to do with it! Haha!

The End of Mania

When you believe something so strongly no matter what it may be; it is bound by mind to exist. Recently my dreams have become so deviant, encompassing so many areas of past, present and future times that they come into my conscious reality of day to day life. Have you ever woken up screaming? Last week this happen three times. My eyes opened wide, my mouth opened sending a shrilling shriek into the air as I sat up. I had known I was dreaming and knew I begun screaming in the dreams. What was uncommon about them was, they were not per-say nightmares. I learned today that they are called night terrors from the nurse at Daytox.

I’m not sure how many of you think about death. Not so much suicide but death itself. What happens? Why? How will you be remembered if at all? Could anything have been done to prevent your death? Death crosses my mind every day. There has not been a day in recent memory where it has not entered, existed for a brief moment or more and then exited my mind. This has been common to me for over 20 years.

Everyone says you are the adult – you make the decision. But what would you do if somewhere along the way you lost the ability to choose? The simple choice to take a shower for instance can take me up to a week to make.

I’m going to present to you, two lists. One list is of words and phrases people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me. In the list that follows I’ll present another group of words that people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me.

FIRST list

creative, full of energy, beautiful, soft, I love you, sincere, sensitive, you are an angel, daughter, lover, sexy, seductive, good, open-minded, multitasker, smart, pretty, nice, smile, blue eyes, indigo child, empathetic, sympathetic, artist, alive, hoola hooper, gardener, love of animals, delicate, dancer, full of energy, never stops, always listens, day dreamer, crazy, ambitious, original, can laugh at problems, find solutions, dream, hyperactive, surreal, snoookles, older sister, leader, commented on, adored, loved, drugs, a lot, loves life, expansion of the mind, inebriation, intoxication, addiction, searching, answers, guiding, teaching, learning, crying, soft, tears, happy, over achiever, seductive, ideas, hope, music, E, GHB, pepsi, gentle, fuck me, stamina, pornography, confident, floating above cities, hovering among willows, why, three, writer, emotion creator, film maker, art director, graphic designer, picture framer, mat cutter, colour, typography, poet, excellent memory, attention to detail, walking, woods, ocean, beach, forever, wife, girlfiend


mistake, hate, ambivalent, relentless, effort, mangled thought patterns, Generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, ADHD, obsessive, compulsive, hair puller, skin picker, you’re the devil, trichotilomania, tendency, day dreams, lost, kicked, hit, beat up, rape, loner, nerd, are you a boy, anorexic, boy you’ve put on weight, fuck you, throttle, 24 hour, partier, workaholic, smoker, pot, cigarettes, MDMA, GHB, dumb, failure, thoughts are dumb and crazy, incoherent, belligerent, angry, sad, depression, loss, death, cut, scratch, pick, eat, don’t eat, drunk, she’s blacked out, arrogant, overdose, confused, reject, low, rumors, girls hate, pornography, catholic, bad, quiet child, abruptive, shut up, be quiet, evaporate, go away, leave me alone, throw up, pass out, die, kicking, men, force, woman farce, suffering in silence, too long, how old are you, why, sex, three, stop, bad, memory, hyper, pepsi, pain, gut hurts, chrohn’s, addict, overstimulated, hate advertising, never, divorce, unsure, can’t decide

Tomorrow I go see the doctor at Daytox. I spoke up today in the grey of Vancouver day to address all these words of mine to the nurse and councilor. There are two many eggs in my damn basket right now. I’m so grateful to everyone who has helped me over the past 6 months. The professional list is long. And in their lies the mania.

Over the past 6 months I have seen:

Addictions Doctor
Councilor A
Councilor B
Family Doctor
Nurse A
Nurse B
Councilors C, D and E

I travel to three different locations to see these people, attend their groups and get therapy. Only three times have any of them communicated with one another about what is going on with me. I’m not getting a clear answer. So now tomorrow I am going to Doctor C who is at location one. Then I go to See councilor A at location two in a few days. I then go see councilor C the day after that who at the recommendation of Councilor D and Nurse B will get all parties involved to plan out a new treatment plan. A couple of days after that I go see the Family Doctor at location three whom hopefully will have heard from Councilor C from location one. Councilor B is gone for while right now and that’s why I have councilor C. And there is supposed to be a new location added to the list. Location number four where I will meet ‘specialist’ psychiatrist. OMG!

FUCK. LOL. and good night! Something Councilor D said to me is “You do always have a way to laugh about your problems” You know in the end that is true. It makes me happy. But when I’m not laughing I’m dieing.

Any comments would be welcome!!! Is anyone out there in a similar situation?